Another week gone by. Another week of 12 hour work days and stress lie ahead.
Sometimes I feel like I've lost all my motivation to work.

Recently I've been going out quite often. Only thing is that more often than not, I'm always by myself. Met a friend at Taka with his Gf and he asked me whether I was out alone. When I said yes, he gave me that "look" and said "So sad ah?"

Sigh.............

Finally time to dust the cobwebs off this blog. ;P
Much has happened over the past few months ans now I desire to find an avenue to pour out my feelings and thoughts. Who knows, maybe in a year's time I'll read this post and laugh at the times.

I've always wondered what the future would be like. More specifically, I've always wondered whether I could ever get into a relationship with a girl. The fear of commitment and rejection haunts me constantly. Do I fool myself that I will never ever have a girlfriend? Some people may think I'm being imature thinking about this, but this is a problem that is gripping my heart.

It's painful to like someone but know that that person will never like you. To see, but never touch. I can only hope everything happens in God's good time.

Today was my birthday and I thank God for all that he has blessed me so far. The friends I've made in NS, the moments of pain and joy. If only these friendships could last forever.

It's been a long time and much has happened since I last wrote here.

Everything happens with a purpose. It's up to us as human beings to find out why.
Some try to reason with logic while others turn to the supernatural or idols for answers.
God's voice may be small, and His logic beyond human comprehension.

One thing now that makes me wonder is what is God's purpose for the 12th(I) BB Company.
It's not an easy time for us now and sometimes I wonder, has God abandoned us because we have abandoned Him?
What we need now are Officers burning with a passion for God to work again in the company.
Not Officers who cling to the past and long for past glories, but Officers willing to give their time, their very lives to see boys grow up as men eager to learn and follow Christ.
Sadly, I have failed in this.
Now, we need to change and we need to start from the top, the Officers currently serving in 12th and those about to enter this group. (i.e. the J2s and J3s)
Being an Officer is not just about commanding boys or having the prestige of a higher position.
It is about committing time and effort to nurture the boys to be men of faith and prayer.
We cannot allow the situation to countinue, where BB is just a CCA or once-a-week thing.
Being in the BB is about being in a relationship with others, in a bond of brotherhood, and in a relationship with God.

Let us humble ourselves, seek God's face, turn from our old ways and pray that God will give us His grace and mercy.
OH LORD LET IT START IN ME.

Currently on a hiatus from blogging.
There are some things that are occupying me now and I just dun have the strength to blog.
Till next time..................

Hopeless and helpless.

I do not know what has come over me the past 2 weeks, but each day seems bleaker and bleaker.
I try to remain cheerful and happy, but the truth is that inside I only can feel more despair and depression.

My faith is in tatters and I'm close to resigning to my fate that there is no hope for me in coming back to a relationship with God. All that I can say is that it was nice while it lasted.

Dark clouds that hang in the sky,
not moving never changing,
not a ray of light to penetrate it's dark surface.

Despair and depression,
where has hope gone?
Where does life's action lead to?
Eternal life or hellish damnation.

A Love lost, a Love found, a Love lost again.
Sins too great to forgive,
not for God,
but for me to forgive myself.

This has got to be one of the worst days of my life. It's like there are dark clouds everywhere and nowhere to go. I'm just sick and tired of all this.

I dunno how to explain it all but it's so depressing that I can't even get to sleep with all the thoughts going through my head. ..................... Why can't everything just end here and now and good-bye to all the worries and pain.

God I can't take it anymore.... better hope I don't do something foolish in the days ahead.

Today was the event that EVERYBODY had been waiting for, ok maybe I was exaggerating on that last point, but there's no denying that ACJC Fun-O-Rama is one of the most highly anticpitated event every 2 years.

Had a chance to go back and look at the familiar building as well as get a chance to meet some old classmates. Talked to the teachers too and everything is still mostly the same as they were 2 years ago.

Sigh.... the thought of going back to camp makes me really depressed. Need to find something to perk me up. Think I'll go eat some ice cream now. ;P

Another week draws to a close.......
My PAR phase of training is over and now we're getting ready for our aerodrome phase by indulging in a generous amount of lectures zzzzzzzzz......
Things are gonna get pretty interesting in aerodrome cuz we'll be using the tower simulator which is like one huge virtual computer game with little planes flying about and virtual people walking all over the runway.

Got a long wkend this week too so can go to ACJC Fun-O-Rama on saturday. Do come and support lah~.

And all the best to my cousin who just went into the army on Tuesday. Heh, an exciting new future is ahead. ;P

Phew.... just finished my 1st practical assessment about 1 hr ago.
Don't think I did too badly thank God, but I did screw up a bit here and there, you know the feeling when you know what to say, but when you open your open your mouth nothing comes out?

Sigh... still got IPPT and the 2nd practical assessment tomorrow, gonna be damn tiring. I still dun know when I will be able to get a silver.

Monday again..... This is getting boring don't you think? No sooner have you past one Monday, that another one just pops up and the whole week starts again.

Got my assessment coming up tomorrow and Wednesday. Super kan chiong already cuz my passing the course depends on these 2 days in front of the screen. Just gotta cross my fingers and hope for the best.
Additionally, I gotta go for IPPT AGAIN this Wednesday just before my second assessment. I really can't see myself doing better especially when they're making me take it every week. Talk about depressing, I'm trying to improve my stamina by running after class but after like 5+ rounds of the track I get so sian that I just stop and go for dinner. Haiz.......

In case anyone was wondering, I spent V-day night at Betty's house along with some of our ex-classmates and we spent the time talking about the days in ACJC. (Actually it was more talking btw the guys, heh heh sorry betty ;P)

As I think about it, maybe sometimes the hardest thing in life is letting go of the past. The past may be more familiar or comfortable. The past may also bring bad memories that you just can't seem to let go. The thing about dwelling in the past is that you tend to lose sight of the future. I'm probably the most guilty of holding on to past accomplishments and experiences. Going forward into the unknown future seems dangerous and uncertain.

However, what's past is past, the only thing you can change is the future and I guess I have to realize that. Cheers to the future.


And a post V-day question to everyone:
"Is singleness a choice or a circumstance?"

Thursday, like the 5th round of your 2.4 km run, feeling damn tired but still with a 2 more days to go...
Sian, didnt get silver again yesterday. Totally no motivation to run after that.....
Everyday I can feel more and more of my braincells dying as we are put through the repetitive process of classroom, simulator, clasroom, simulator......

Everyday is a struggle. A struggle with tiredness, a struggle with worry, a struggle with myself.
Every morning I get up with the feeling of total dread cause I know that the moment I get out of bed, I won't get any rest till night time. At times I would just want to give up going on.

But one thing that keeps me going is that I know that this is just a passing struggle. Life passes by in a blink, one moment it's today, another moment tomorrow. To know that this struggle won't last forever gives me hope, because I beleive that at the end of the day, He will wipe every tear from my eye. My struggle with God is a painful and lonely one over the past 2 months and though I still feel inadequate in my realationship with Him, I know deep in my heart that I can't walk Life's road alone, no matter how many times I say it when I'm depressed or down. May God have mercy on me.

Another Monday, another week.
This week my turn to be I/C, so in other words, got to do "si kang" for everyone else.
Training keeps getting more and more interesting now with planes simulating compass failure and radio failure.
Dunno why, but nowadays feeling damn lethargic. Always want to train after class but end up sleeping till dinner. My weight is rocketing up at the moment heh, maybe can compete with Allan and Colin soon.

I've always wondered what having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex would be like? Recently one of my friends in ADA just got a girlfriend over the weekend and I was like 'Sure or not? How can get GF so easily one?' Somehow I can't imagine myself having a girlfriend even though at times I want to. Sigh...... maybe I'm supposed to remain single for life yah? :P Who knows what God has in store in the future. One thing for sure though is that I need to get my relationship with God right first before I can even think about any earthly relationship.

This whole week was damn tiring for me man.
Not physically since we just spend the whole day sitting in a freezer and watching a computer screen, but mentally. The pressure of controlling is beginning to tell and I just slept through dinner after coming back from the sim. Just glad the week is over soon, but *sigh* each weekend brings another week hot on its heels. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed in the morning and actually WANT to go for training.

Still quite depressed over my IPPT, dun think I can make silver anytime soon. In fact, I think I'll most likely fail lor. My weight is going out of control and rising like a tube of mercury on a hot day.

I thing someone in my course told me yesterday got me thinking. He told me, "One thing I like about you is that you dun take things seriously, in fact, are you serious at all?"
Am I ever serious at all? Is that what people think of me? Maybe that has been the problem in my life all along. I never take things seriously, including God. I treat life like it is all fun and games when in fact it's not. It reminded me of the time Mr Ng reprimanded us of being not serious about God in BS. I treat sin too lightly and dun consider its real cost. Sometimes I feel like I'm 2 different persons inside. One trying to being the perfectionist in life and the other just saying f*** the world and live life to the fullest. Neither brings me closer to God and I just can't seem to break out of it.

Each passing day also gets lonelier and lonelier. I dun get really close to my army buddies and I feel like I'm slowly drifting away from friends I know. Something inside me feels like maybe being alone is the best since no one can hurt you then. May God, in His mercy, deliver me with His grace.

Phew... finally managed to get some time to write in this blog after an absense of like 5 days.... ;P
The past few days have been pretty stressful now that the practical for the course has started.
Having only a split second to think before telling the pilot what to do before landing can be pretty taxing on the mind.
We spend most of our days now in the radar simulator room with it's freezing temperatures. (It was so cold that I could hardly move my fingers after one hour.)
By God's grace I've been able to manage the course so far, though they're beginning to introduce more and more scenarios.

I'm also thankful to God for helping me pass my first exam today. I didnt study over the weekend and felt quite unprepared for it. But God is gracious and I managed to get 57 out of 60.

God is good and I constantly remind myself not to take his goodness for granted. As God is also a holy God, I constantly look into myself and realise how much I keep sinning. I just have to keep being faithful to pray and hope that God's grace can break me out of my spiritual bondage.

Phew.... finally managed to get some time to write in this blog.
It's been a hectic few days and I'm sure most people are happily counting their collections for this year.
Personally, it's been a more mundane New Year than before...
Each year that passes seems less and less fun. Maybe I'm losing some of that youthful exuberance ;P

I've just been told I need to get a silver to be considered a pass in IPPT.
Damn man, I have enough trouble getting a pass as it is and now they want me to get a silver?!?!
Got another test coming up this wednesday, better not drink beer the night before.

I miss the innocence I had during my school days when I had no worries other than exams.
I miss the friends that have moved on to other things in life.
Sometimes I wish I could get out of NS immediately and carry on with my life.

In all things, I trust in God and that His grace and mercy will see me through.

Sigh.... Another day passes by.....
Sometimes I wonder where my life is headed.
Each day passes by without meaning and direction.
Soon, the years will pass and I'll be thinking, "What the **** have I done so far."
And time chugs on and on into eternity.......

Yeah man, got 46 out of 60 marks for my quiz = 75++%
So I can go into CNY safe in the knowledge that I wun get confined this saturday. ;)
On a more somber note, I feel myself getting weaker physically since we dun do much exercise
here. Got IPPT tmr so pray can get silver heh ;P

Several issues about my spiritual life have been cropping up in the past few weeks and I feel powerless to face them. All my weaknessess are being revealed and hidden cracks I couldn't see before now stare at me in the face. The torment my soul goes through when like Paul said, "I do not the things I want to do, but things that I do not want to do." My spirit is deeply tormented and I would like to ask that everyone would pls pray for me, for I do not know where this inner battle will lead me.

Heh, I got a feeling this ain't gonna be such a bad week after all ;P
Firstly, Man U loses to Wolves
Secondly, Southampton won Leeds
Lastly, this week got CNY so Wednesday afternoon can go back oredi. :))

Still got a quiz tmr, 30 questions and must get 75% to pass.
Just created a new blog for the weirdoes so you can read it at http://weirdoes.blogspot.com
So stop on by to see what we're doing now yah?

sigh.... missed church again... that's the 3rd time in a row. :(
Wkends are getting more and more boring now. Spent the entire time at home watching tv,
playing the internet. Gotta get back to camp by 2300 hrs some more.
At least there's CHY this week, but I got a quiz coming up on tuesday. Pray dun fail man.
Not much time left to write today so gotta end of here. Hopefully there will be more good news tmr.

Why start blogging? Cuz everyone else is doing it? Heh, actually, this is just a way to destress and muse about issues that occur everyday. Guess this is just a place to pour my thoughts into.



" Is white a colour or merely an absense of it?"

A new beginning.............