Semper Fidelis

This whole week was damn tiring for me man.
Not physically since we just spend the whole day sitting in a freezer and watching a computer screen, but mentally. The pressure of controlling is beginning to tell and I just slept through dinner after coming back from the sim. Just glad the week is over soon, but *sigh* each weekend brings another week hot on its heels. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed in the morning and actually WANT to go for training.

Still quite depressed over my IPPT, dun think I can make silver anytime soon. In fact, I think I'll most likely fail lor. My weight is going out of control and rising like a tube of mercury on a hot day.

I thing someone in my course told me yesterday got me thinking. He told me, "One thing I like about you is that you dun take things seriously, in fact, are you serious at all?"
Am I ever serious at all? Is that what people think of me? Maybe that has been the problem in my life all along. I never take things seriously, including God. I treat life like it is all fun and games when in fact it's not. It reminded me of the time Mr Ng reprimanded us of being not serious about God in BS. I treat sin too lightly and dun consider its real cost. Sometimes I feel like I'm 2 different persons inside. One trying to being the perfectionist in life and the other just saying f*** the world and live life to the fullest. Neither brings me closer to God and I just can't seem to break out of it.

Each passing day also gets lonelier and lonelier. I dun get really close to my army buddies and I feel like I'm slowly drifting away from friends I know. Something inside me feels like maybe being alone is the best since no one can hurt you then. May God, in His mercy, deliver me with His grace.