Looking back from my time in ACS until this very hour, the allure of selfishness, self-centeredness and self-righteousness are ever present in my own heart. The desire to do something great, to be well-known, to be able to speak well so as to impress, to have all the answers, to be the "go-to" guy for all things big and small. Such is the depravity of a Man's heart, to even do and desire right and good things for wrong motives.
Why do I do what I do? A man confesses with his lips and honours Christ, but his heart is far from Him. Who can know the heart, for the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things. I fear who I am inside, the person that goes by many names, the Old Man, the Flesh, the Sinful Nature. Surely Man is the most vile and wretched of all creatures, his heart the stinking cesspool and source of his iniquity. Blinded by his own self-worth and progress, he does not even know himself.
Why the desire to preach or pray? Is it for His Name's sake or for something darker. With regards to relationships, is godliness and my pursuit of it simply a means of gain? To impress and seduce? TO make myself more desirable? Why even write this blog post? So as to tell and boast to others of my piety? God forbid it! Are my hands clean oh Lord, is my heart pure?
Who am I oh Lord. Who am I apart from You. Surely I deserve to be cast into the darkest pits of Hell for my crimes against You. Oh wretched man that I am. Who can rescue me from this body of death.
Only through Jesus. Only though Jesus. May He that was slain receive the reward of His suffering.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
- Psalm 139: 23-24
1 comment:
Indeed. A good reminder of something God brought to my attention some time ago:
http://callitgrace.blogspot.com/2008/07/when-i-felt-call-to-preach-i-thought.html
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