Arrgghh

Damn pissed with myself today. I went and lost a $50 game barely one hour after buying it. Dunno why I'm so absent minded and I swear that the Harbourfront area hates me. (that's where I lost my wallet and IC 7 years ago)

Haiz, I hate to lose things and especially since it costs quite a decent chunk of my monthly allowance.

Been a lousy few days with all the stuff that's coming up, both in NUS and ACS(I). I so need a "drink" right now.

In a Sombre state of mind

Feeling depressed because I know I need to study and write my essays but I just can't get myself to do it.


And Company Potluck is turning out to be harder to plan than I thought. :(

Blogging Hiatus

Yup that's right, I'll be going on a blogging hiatus for the next few weeks. Simply not inspired to write much the past few days. Reading my old posts, I've also realized how my posting style has changed (sometimes dramatically) over time. Who knows, maybe I'll go back to rambling about daily life instead of posting mostly "airy-fairy" stuff.

So I leave with a song.
"Who am I? Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done."

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Why, What & How

Parades are finally over and I can now (hopefully) concentrate on my studies which has taken a beating over the last couple of weeks. The Admin has settled down somewhat though there are still a few loose ends to settle and the Wing System as not really gotten into gear yet.

However as I was talking to Charles late into the night, plans for the next 8 months are already being formulated. Even when parades have officially ended for the exams, the planning (and worrying) for the future has already begun.

Company Potluck, SGB and Primers Programme were just a few of the things being bandied about during that 3 hour plus discussion. The direction of the Year 3 Admin was also another topic being keenly "debated", but ultimately the one topic that stood out was the discussion about the 12th Company "culture".

When should a Boy be punished? How should he be punished? What are the things we want a Boy to learn about leadership, responsibility or God? What is the best way to teach it? What is the Company's purpose and vision?

The questions being asked frankly left more questions than answers in the end. Some of them were beyond our "level" of authority, but ultimately I came to struggle at the "how" question.

How easy it is to answer the "Why" and "What" questions. Why teach the Boys? So that God may be glorified. What do we teach them? Principle and values like 'No Boy enters BB by chance', 'discipline not regimentation' or 'Christian Leadership is key.'

The question that I found hard to answer or come out with a solution ended up being the "how". Ironic considering that most of the time people do not see the big picture "why" and "what", but are more concerned or adept at the "how". However in this case, it was the "how" that baffled us.

How to teach discipline without punishment? How to ensure that Boys are taught about responsibility and the importance of punctuality without a certain amount of "regimentation"? Is there another way that Boys can be taught about obedience and self-discipline? Is giving push-ups bad or is it the process that one goes through before meting out punishment that determines whether the punishment is acceptable or not? How can the culture of 12th Company be changed such that for future generations, "pumping" will not be the first and last resort Officers will use to establish order or worse, take out their frustration on Boys?

Well we did not really come to any conclusion on the matter. So much to consider, so much to do.

Where are the Labourers?

I was going to write a long tirade about BB and about people who don't come back to help despite all that BB has given them, but I guess that wouldn't be too good to say out loud.

Maybe I'm just bitter when I think about what I could have done or could be doing now if I wasn't serving in ACS, especially now that I'm learning about Opportunity Cost and Diminishing Returns in my Econs Module.

Struggling with Sin

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

- Romans 7:14-20

A pretty apt verse for my current condition, or in fact, my condition for as long as I can remember.

Ever since I was young, going through ACS, BB, Boarding School, India, NS and now Uni, these 7 verses have always described my life. Ever since young I have been "cursed" by habitual sins and temptations that would not go away (those of you who know me should know what I'm talking about). In fact, I find more and more sin hiding in my life.

Despite the countless worship sessions, prayer meetings, (real?) cries of repentance. Despite all the experiences and events that have occurred, I am still overcome by my sinful nature. How long can this go on?

I do not do what is good, rather I do what is not good. How then am I worthy of teaching His word, the Word of the ALMIGHTY and HOLY God when my life is still wracked with sin and guilt. Who am I that I should tell others what to do when I cannot or would not even do it myself.

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Oh that He will forgive me for taking His sacrifice in vain over and over again.

Clean Hands and a Pure Heart

"Who may ascend the hill of the LORD ?
Who may stand in his holy place?

He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to an idol
or swear by what is false.

He will receive blessing from the LORD
and vindication from God his Savior."

- Psalm 24:3-5

Oh Lord is there mercy for me?

A New Beginning

So a new Admin has been installed and a new school year dawns once again. Somehow with 6 modules this Semester that I decided to take on impulse, it looks like I won't have much time during the week to check on the new admin.

Now that the Admin posts are settled, I can turn my attention to getting the Admin structure going. And that is the concern now with all the new procedures and projects that they need to do, it is gonna be hard trying to monitor all of them. Good thing I have Samuel to cover some things for me.

For all the worries regarding the new Admin, I can only but surrender it all to God and let him take control. My only prayer is that they will Love God and Love each other.

Pray, Pray, Pray

"O brother, pray; in spite of Satan, pray; spend hours in prayer; rather neglect friends than not pray; rather fast and lose breakfast, dinner, tea and supper --- and sleep too --- than not pray. And we must not talk about prayer, we must pray in right earnest. The Lord is near. He comes softly while the virgins slumber."

- Andrew A. Bonar

Oh Lord teach me how to travail and persevere in prayer.

For those who are persecuted

Praying for those who face persecution because of their faith in Christ.

Choosing by God's standard

"Now the LORD said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel? Fill your horn with oil, and go; I am sending you to Jesse the Bethlehemite. For I have provided Myself a king among his sons.....So it was, when they came, that he looked at Eliab and said, “Surely the LORD’s anointed is before Him!” But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”"

1 Samuel 16 :1,6-7

In 3 more weeks, a old generation of admin will pass and a new one will take its place. Over the past 3 weeks, Boy after Boy has passed through the interview doors and now the real deliberation begins.

And as each Boy is assigned to a post, I was reminded of how, when Samuel went to anoint a new king after Saul, God made Samuel look and consider each of Jesse's sons before finally pointing out the youngest, David.

Why then did the Lord make Samuel go through all the elder sons first before finally pointing out David when he appeared? Why didn't the Lord immediately instruct Samuel to seek out David and anoint him on the spot?

One thing I came to realize was that at any point in time, Samuel could have easily said, "No Lord, I'm sure that THIS person is meant to be king." And God would probably have relented, just as how He relented when the people of Israel demanded a king in the first place.

But Samuel would not be turned from chasing after God's Will. Even when it seemed that the choices were exhausted, Samuel stuck to God's instructions and asked if there were any more sons.

One can only pray that God will choose this admin, not me nor any officer. Not even, I dare say, the captain himself. For Man looks only at the outward appearance, but God sees that which we cannot see, the heart of the man.

Oh that this admin and cohort will grow up chasing after God's Glory.

BB CARES..... Now what?

You could say I was completely knackered after BB CARES today in Bethany. This plus the fact that I've been in ACS every afternoon for the past 2 weeks means that when I reached home, I more or less collapsed on the bed.

Bethany is, as always, a struggle for me every time I enter those glass-doored wards. The first thing that hits you is the sense of helplessness, and to a certain extent hopelessness, whenever you enter the ward. A hollow and distant look is what greets visitors when they see the old folks staring at the TV or into space. These people, how often must we remind ourselves that, who are here because either their families cannot care for them anymore, have been abandoned, or who simply do not have any family to speak of.

What than can we few helpers do? How many volunteers walk through those glass doors once a year or even once a lifetime and leave never to be seen again by these old folks? How many volunteers have these old folk seen come and go?

And as I stood beside the bed of a man who could hardly speak, for his teeth had long since been removed, I could only weep inwardly at my own helplessness, at my own inadequacy in language.

For every month, an average of 5 old folks pass away in the home. The old man that I stood beside today may be gone tomorrow. The next time I return, the place may be awash with new residents, yet almost all with the same look of despondency of those who had gone before.

After the official programme was over, I made a slight detour before going home for I needed some time to think and reflect.

As I gazed upon the rolling hills and tombstones of those who had gone before me, I wondered whether the Boys had realized anything from their visit to Bethany. As I carefully pulled the weeds from a grave that I had visited for the past 7 years, I wondered what difference could we ever make to the lives of those in Bethany.

For Life is short and Man is but a vapor that appears for a little while before it vanishes away.

From the Squalor of a Borrowed Stable

FROM THE SQUALOR OF A BORROWED STABLE,
By the Spirit and a virgin's faith;
To the anguish and the shame of scandal
Came the Saviour of the human race!
But the skies were filled with the praise of heaven,
Shepherds listen as the angels tell
Of the Gift of God come down to man
At the dawning of Immanuel.

King of heaven now the Friend of sinners,
Humble servant in the Father's hands,
Filled with power and the Holy Spirit,
Filled with mercy for the broken man.
Yes, He walked my road and He felt my pain,
Joys and sorrows that I know so well;
Yet His righteous steps give me hope again -
I will follow my Immanuel!

Through the kisses of a friend's betrayal,
He was lifted on a cruel cross;
He was punished for a world's transgressions,
He was suffering to save the lost.
He fights for breath, He fights for me,
Loosing sinners from the claims of hell;
And with a shout our souls are free -
Death defeated by Immanuel!

Now He's standing in the place of honour,
Crowned with glory on the highest throne,
Interceding for His own belovèd
Till His Father calls to bring them home!
Then the skies will part as the trumpet sounds
Hope of heaven or the fear of hell;
But the Bride will run to her Lover's arms,
Giving glory to Immanuel!

Oh How Great is Our God.

Company Review

Another week has gone by and it has really been a busy week for me interviewing the Year 3s for admin as well as participating in the review for awards and visiting the homes of two Boys. But with His purpose in mind, in all these things the Joy of the Lord is my Strength.

Today we finally realized the magnitude of change and planning required in revamping the entire awards programme of the Company. On discussing about Adventure ALONE we spent more than a hour just to get the basic premise and objectives out and even then it is woefully inadequate and skeletal.

But above the details and ideas, we had also come to the conclusion that the supply of Thinkers is very small. How many actually consider the relevance of our programme in this rapidly evolving world, where the tastes and interests of Boys change as quickly as the latest fashion in Paris.

Where are the thinkers and "revolutionaries" who are able to understand the "big picture" and, even at the expense of long-held traditions or practices, change the way things are done in order to meet the challenges and interests of each new generation of Boys.

So that each new generation of Boys may see the Glory of God and that the Word of the Lord may be preached to them.

Purpose

"What is the purpose of 12th Company in ACS?"

This was the question asked to unsuspecting Year 3s as they came and sat for their admin interviews. Needless to say almost all of their first reactions were stunned silence, but then again they are only 15 year olds so it is forgivable for now.

But then the question still has to be answered. So what then is the purpose of 12th Company in ACS? Why have BB in ACS?

Why spend afternoons in the admin room planning activities for Saturday? Why give up entire Saturdays to come back to school again? Why exhaust resources on something that is deemed as merely a CCA according to MOE?

For if we do not understand an organization's reason for being, then that organization becomes redundant and a waste of time and effort.

I've had many varied answers to the question. Some say that 12th Company's role in ACS is to train leaders of the future. Others say it is a place for Christian Education to be taught to youths who so need it in this depraved world. Yet others also add that 12th Company is an organization to reach out and evangelize to the student population of ACS.

Are the above reasons correct and accurate? Yes, but to accept any of these as the main reason is to lose the whole point of Christianity itself.

For the purpose of 12th Company existing is solely for the Glory of God. And that I believe is a fundamental reason for BB existing in the first place. Such an idea requires a large paradigm shift in the mindsets of the Officers today.

An Officer returning to serve in the 12th Company must return not for the Company. Not for the awards or the recognition or respect. Not for friends or nostalgia. It's not even, I dare say, for the Boys themselves. An Officer must only return to serve in order to give Glory to God.

And therein lies a subtle yet fundamental truth. That no longer do we plan programmes or activities for the purpose of training Boys. Neither do we mentor and develop Boys for the purpose of Founder's or J M Fraser, but in EVERYTHING that we do, we do it so that God may receive Glory.

And so as a new admin takes shape and an old admin prepare to relinquish their responsibilities, as new programmes and actvities are planned for the coming year, as Officers go about their duty caring for the Boys, let us remember our sole purpose for existing. That God may be Glorified in everything that we do.

Praying for Revival

There are excited mutterings of a coming revival to ACS and as we seek, pray and agonize for those in the school, I am reminded of Boarding School 2000.

There we were, a bunch of 15, 16-year olds gathering every Tuesday and Thursday night to pray for ACS. We prayed for the Holy Spirit, we prayed in the Spirit and we faced many different trials along the way. Incidents with teachers and churches sought to derail our focus even as the idea of a Spiritual awakening began to form in ACS.

There was no elder to guide us, no elder to teach us and everything we did we had to rely upon God's grace.

I remember rushing through supper so that we could gather at the pool bleachers to talk and pray. I remember coming to the realization that God is more than just an abstract theory, but that He is Love and our Comforter in times of need. But I was young then. I wish I knew or had the spiritual maturity 7 years ago to seek God further than I actually did.

And so now 7 years later we've come full circle. For once again do people whisper about revival in ACS. For once again is a desire implanted in the hearts of man to see the lost saved. I look upon ACS now wishing that I could be part of that which God has planned for the school. But I know that it is those who are at the fore front of the battle, those who are in the school itself who are called to open the gateway to God's Glory. And people such as myself, those of us who have gone before, can only but help by pointing the right way to go and by keeping watch in prayer.

There must be more than this
oh breath of God come breath within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming Fire
Fan into flame
a passion for your name
Spirit of God
fall in this place
Lord have ur way
Lord have ur way
with us

Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
leave us abandoned to your praise
Lord let your glory fall
Lord let your glory fall

For I am saved in Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

New Comp

Yay my new cpu is here. Set me back by a couple of k but it's worth it. ;p I'll be enjoying it for the next few weeks or so, so don't be surprised if you message me on MSN and I don't reply.

The Aftermath

Wow it's been a long time since the last update. So much BB stuff done and to do. I haven't had a BB-free Saturday at all since March and it doesn't look like I will have one till August (unless I take "off" ;p)

As for LTC, let's just say it had it's ups and downs. How close the Year 3s have bonded together still remains to be seen in the months running up Admin. I just hope and pray that they will come to pray and care for each other.

On the first night of LTC I had this deep sense that God was about to pour out His Love and Spirit upon the people in both camps. Somehow I was moved to tears as I knelt in the Prayer Room set aside for the camp and I remembered how much God loves each and every person such that He would send His only Son to die for us on the cross.

There was a certain air of expectancy on the last night of LTC as everyone gathered for the combined worship. We had carefully set aside time for God to come and minister with the full expectancy and faith in His Power. To see His Glory fall on the people in the camp. The worship began well and one could feel the Glory of the Lord coming closer and closer, reaching out to those calling on His name and worshiping fervently.

Somehow though, it came to a point in time when the Holy Spirit seemed to withdraw and the worship came to end soon after (it was only slightly over 1 hour when we had expected at least a couple of hours if not more.) I can only remember feeling a deep sense of dissatisfaction and asking "why God? Is that it? Is that all You had promised?" By God's grace He came again in Power during the next day's worship when I half-thought that He wouldn't. But the feeling of a wasted night took a long time to fade away. I will not dwell on the details of that night too much as I guess it is best left unsaid on a public blog.

One thing that I guess I learnt from LTC is to not confine God to a "box" or programme. To let God work in every single programme from Drill to Hike to even defaulters. How easy it is for us to give God only 2 hours during worship or Live Praise to work instead of the 24 hours that are rightfully His.

Following LTC, I had to attend two LDC 2s under HQ at the BB campsite in Sembawang since the Year 3s were going for it as part of their NCO Star stage 2 course. The camp was radically different from previous LDC 2s, more obviously through its new 2 day 1 night programme where it was previously 3 day 2 night, the fact that Boys did not have to bring Full-U and a completely new lecture syllabus.

Yes, there was a lecture syllabus and guess who had to teach it. Trying to make the lessons interesting for a bunch of hyper-active 15 year olds is no easy feat. I tried making it more "exciting" by doing some activities like blindfold soccer to teach them about things like communication and teamwork. I can only hope that they take back something from this camp to their companies.

For those brave few who read this blog, do take some time to view the "Revival" link on the right toolbar. I know it's pretty long, but it is so worth it and it blew my mind and spirit to hear such forceful preaching that cuts to the heart. That our whole ministry and life is not for ourselves, not for the unsaved, but for the Glory of God.

"May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering."

One more week

One more week to LTC. If by tomorrow they still can't get their act together, then I may consider, in SAF lingo, "letting them *** **** ********."