A humbling from God

I believe today has been a culmination or fulfillment of a lesson God has been trying to teach me for the better part of two weeks. I had always thought that upon moving from ministry in BB to church, I would be essentially hitting the ground running. I had so many big thoughts and dreams and just wanted to serve the Lord actively in church just as I had spent the last 6 -7 years in ACS, or so I thought.

I thought, and I confess my shame in it, that I was going to be "God's Gift" to my church. I had thought that with what little knowledge God had so graciously granted me of Himself in the past year in ACS that I, Nicholas the MAN, could go forth and speak mighty things in His Name.

Oh how I thought wrong. Oh the foolishness of it all.

During the past week I could definitely sense the Lord leading me to patience, to be willing to sit down and just gaze upon Him and His Beauty. To be willing to, at the risk of sounding cliche, just be still and know that He is God. What need does God require of me running around impatiently doing "His Will"? The Lord moves in ways that we cannot see, and indeed He moves in His time.

But no, I would not heed His warnings. "Let me preach oh Lord, let me preach," that was my own selfish cry. I had "ingested" so many sermons by Ravenhill, Reidhead, Washer, etc... that in my conceitedness and pride I had deluded myself into thinking that I could preach like the best. And God let me have my own way. When Marc asked me to help him do one bible study for the Year 6s, I pushed aside all His warnings and jumped at the chance despite knowing deep down that something wasn't right. Even though in His graciousness He led me clearly to what should be preached, the preparation was tedious and without joy. During the sharing itself, indeed throughout the whole Bible Study, there was simply no flow or movement of the Holy Spirit. In fact it seemed like as though something had clouded my mind and I just could not get my thoughts together (as horribly jumbled as they already are). There was simply no passion or conviction in the message at all. There was no reality of Christ.

And as I walked back home, it almost seemed like the Lord was telling me gently. "I told you so, I told you so." And all I could do was reply, "Yes, Lord, you were right all along." I definitely sense now that the Lord is leading me into a time of spiritual wilderness, to a time of waiting upon Him and discovering His Joy as well as anguish for the church in ever increasing measure. To be able to wait patiently until the time He says,"Go." Indeed there is so much pride, self-righteousness and puffed-up knowledge within me that only His divine hands will be able to rescue from them, for I cannot even change myself.

Forgive me for my foolishness.

"We know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies. And if anyone thinks that he knows anything, he knows nothing yet as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, this one is known by Him."
- 1 Corinthians 8: 1-2