At the mercy of God

It has been a pretty hard couple of weeks, and the two tests plus thesis presentation did not really help matters either. I have come to realize how easy it is for me to turn to pleasures other than God whenever things seem to heat up or stress begins to build up. In my insanity I would turn away from the Spring of Life and turn to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh, which are really no pleasures at all. For no sooner does it enter in that it turns to rot and one is left with an utter sense of despair. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. It was during this past week that I came across this verse in 2 Timothy;

"God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will."

- 2 Timothy 2: 25b - 26

After reading this verse, the one thing that has been in my mind the past few days is this: I am at the mercy of God.

Firstly, it is amazing what the Apostle Paul writes here. So often we think of repentance as something we do, which it is. But very rarely will you hear anyone say or preach that repentance, nay, our entire process of salvation is ordained, purposed and carried out by God Himself. One could say the role of a man in salvation is essentially zero other than as an eternally grateful recipient.

Which leads me to my second and titular point, that Paul could write, inspired by the Holy Spirit, that it essentially God's prerogative to grant mercy and grace as He sees fit. Here then is the only true Free Will in the entire universe. For if God may grant a person repentance, it stands to reason that the opposite also holds true, that God may not grant a person repentance nor let him come to him senses, thus allowing him to store up for himself the Wrath that will be poured out on that Last Day for all eternity. And this great realization, that I am at His mercy, and that at His pleasure He may and is able to throw both my body and soul into Hell, causes me to tremble before the One who sits on that throne. For I know that God would be entirely Just in condemning me to an eternity in darkness for even the smallest sin that I have ever done and I have given no reason whatsoever for Him to show His Mercy and Grace to me.

"What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God’s part? By no means! For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion." So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy."

- Romans 9: 14-16

Oh how evil are the depths of Man's heart. How loathsome is he in the sight of the Holy One. Yet that He should redeem for Himself a people and grant unto us a privilege of which the likes no other being in creation could boast of. For let us never forget of those angels which fell with Satan and of whom no pardon was given or offered at all.

And yet that I should take the grace of God so often in vain and treat His mercy as some small thing. How quick am I to forget the goodness that He has shown to me, and like the children of Israel, turn aside to other "gods" and set my mind on things of the flesh. It is and has always been my constant struggle to have the faith to look in the mirror of God's Word and believe that God would save a wretch like me, who is so easily amused and satisfied by what the World offers.

You are at the mercy of God, should that not cause you to tremble?