Now I hope to put forth a more personal account of my struggle on this question of assurance, and I pray that it would be of some edification to you dear reader. As I had posted earlier, it is a pressing question, even for many sincere believers, and so it was for me also.
In my younger(?) days, warnings of lost salvation were almost a constant fare in church and in school. I can scarcely remember the number of times I had lost my salvation one week, and then "regained" it the next through some altar call or in prayer after a group meeting in school. Even after my swing towards Reformed theology, for a time I struggled terribly with some of my pet sins (and still do to some extent today) that refused to die that caused me to question if I was even saved from the beginning.
How many times had I sinned, repented and asked the Lord for forgiveness, and then turned right back and committed the same sin the next week, if not the next day! Surely the Lord will not forgive me again after I had insulted His Grace and spat upon His Mercy. Daily was I tormented with the prospect that there was no more mercy for me.
Now let me at this point interject with an assertion. I have much suspicion that much worry over one's assurance is the product of one thing, self-preservation. Any sane rational creature would choose that which is good over that which is bad. Rarely would you find a person, who when given a choice, would choose to go to hell rather than heaven (of course the picture of heaven here would be akin to something Hollywood would produce). And much of my struggling with assurance, I must confess, stemmed from an innate desire to escape from hell.
I was afraid of hell. I was fearful of its torments as described in the Bible. My desire for heaven was not so much to be in God's presence, but rather to escape from eternal pain.
But, two things occurred that radically altered my perspective of my own assurance. I cannot recall exactly in what order they occurred chronologically, but they did happen pretty close to each other.
The first was this, as I look back at my life (as I so often tend to do), I can say with all sincerity that I would be a bald-faced liar to deny that God has been there, guiding and leading me, throughout my life. I remember the time when I nearly chose Scouts over BB in Primary school, or the time I was posted to SJI, but by His Grace I managed to appeal into ACS through a family connection. I remember of all the people whom God had placed in my life throughout my secondary and JC days, people, who despite of all of their (sometimes) wacky understandings of theology and God, were great blessings in keeping me close to the Faith. I think of my best friend, who if were not by losing a single bet (I kid you not!), I would never have met or learnt much of Christ through and from him. I think of His faithfulness to me during NS, even when I was so far away to the point of seriously considering giving up being a Christian and all things related to God. And yet He could use even the most innocuous of email passwords (yes it's true!) to remind me again of Him and literally pull me away from the precipice. I have chronicled elsewhere throughout this blog my testimony of God's Grace and faithfulness to me in my short 24 years here; His constant workings to expose my hidden sins and to conform me to Christ, but I must press on to the second thing.
The second thing dealt directly with my issue of self-preservation. I was listening to a couple of preachers and I shall quote both of them at length.
Dear friends, there’s only one reason - one reason for a sinner to repent: and that’s because Jesus Christ deserves the worship and adoration and the love and the obedience of his heart. Not because he’ll go to heaven. If the only reason you repented, dear friend, was to keep out of Hell, all you are is just a Levite serving for ten shekels and a shirt! That’s all! You’re trying to serve God because He’ll do you good! But a repentant heart is a heart that has seen something of the enormity of the crime of playing god and denying the just an righteous God the worship and obedience that He deserves!
Why should a sinner repent? Because God deserves the obedience and love that he’s refused to give Him! Not so that he’ll go to heaven. If the only reason he repents is so that he’ll go to heaven, it’s nothing but trying to make a deal or a bargain with God.
Why should a sinner give up all his sins? Why should he be challenged to do it? Why should he make restitution when he’s coming to Christ? Because God deserves the obedience that He demands!
I have talked with people that have no assurance that sins are forgiven. They want to feel safe, before they’re willing to commit themselves to Christ. But I believe that the only ones whom God actually witnesses by His Spirit and are born of Him, are the people, whether they say it or not, that come to Jesus Christ and say something like this, "Lord Jesus, I’m going to obey you, and love you, and serve you, and do what you want me to do, as long as I live, even if I go to Hell at the end of the road, simply because you are worthy to be loved, and obeyed and served, and I’m not trying to make a deal with you!"
Do you see the difference? Do you see the difference? Between a Levite serving for ten shekels and a shirt or a Micah building a chapel because God will do you good, and someone that repents for the glory of God.
Why should a person come to the cross? Why should a person embrace death with Christ? Why should a person be willing to go, in identification, down to the cross and into the tomb and up again? I’ll tell you why – because it’s the only way that God can get glory out of human being!
- Paris Reidhead (Ten Shekels and a Shirt)
You should believe in Jesus Christ. You should repent and you should serve Him even if He sends you to Hell because He is worthy of repentance and He is worthy of faith and He is worthy of service though you get nothing from it.
Do you understand this kind of Christianity? Where it's all about Him, and not about men.
- Paul Washer
Now some would be quite appalled at what I had just quoted. What kind of assurance is this? My friend, it is the assurance that the Judge of all the Earth will do right. You may disagree vehemently and regard it as something fatalistic and unchristian, but this revelation has brought me more peace after all my years of questioning than anything before or since. I will confess and repent of my sins because He is worthy. I will worship and pray because He is worthy. For our ambition is to please Him, and every beat of our heart is simply one more reason to worship Him and adore Him. Oh how worthy is He! Worthy of all praise and honour. Worthy of all Glory and Thanks. One day, and what a glorious day that will be, every knee will bow and declare that Jesus Christ is Lord.
Does this mean that I have never since struggled with assurance? Of course not. There have been nights since then when I have cowered in my bed in fear over the sins I have committed. The temptation daily is to either lapse into a over-confident presumption and belittling of sin or to fall back into a dread fear over one's eternal state.
Now, should every believer come or desire to come to a full assurance of their salvation in Christ? Indeed there is much precious comfort that comes from such an assurance, especially during times of trials and temptations. But such assurance itself is a gift from God and can come only from God. Many have sought their assurance from other men, and I fear many are deceived and lulled into a false assurance by a christianity that promotes little of self-examination and much of self-esteem and self-confidence. A christianity that does not warn, but tickles the ears of its hearers. A christianity that preaches much about grace for justification, but precious little on sanctification or of a holiness "without which no one will see the Lord." (Heb. 12:14)
I end with one of the greatest texts on assurance ever found in the Bible.
And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
- Romans 8: 27-30