Worried

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

- Matthew 6:33-34

I thought that once the exams were over I could finally get to enjoy my 3 month break from NUS. Who would have thought that in the week after the exams there would be so many things that would have cropped up, each bringing with it its own bag of problems.

I'm worried over my exam results. This semester was one of the lightest in terms of workload and projects, yet in all 3 of my chem modules I did not manage to finish the paper. And not just one or half a question, but equivalent to two questions.

I'm worried over the planning of the hike and LTC in June. I do not know whether it is because I'm so particular or downright picky with regards to planning stuff and all that, but somehow I just do not seem comfortable with the state of both the hike and LTC now.

I'm worried over the state of the Year 3s especially now in the run-up to LTC. I have supposedly 55 Year 3s on paper, but usually only about 28 to 35 turn up for parades and even those who turn up are not the same people on consecutive weeks. I have people missing a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME camp to go for daily training or for school activities. And to think that these Boys are gonna be admin in 3 months time. Granted that there are those regular few who make it a point to come down and who show a semblance of competence. I guess it's still too early to make judgment on people's abilities now, but creating an admin from this year is gonna be one tough and long road.

Perhaps most importantly, I worry that I'm simply not cut out for this kind of volunteer work. My man-management skill sucks and my inspiration index is in the pits. Coupled with recent developments in the Company, sometimes I wonder whether I should really just take a step back and say "find someone else".

Can someone please tell me how not to worry? I pray that God will give me the faith to believe that all things are in His control.

Prayer of Jabez

"Now Jabez was more honorable than his brothers, and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, “Because I bore him in pain.” And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!” So God granted him what he requested."

- 1 Chronicles 4:9-10

Oh that You would be with me and keep me from evil, that I may cause no pain.

Feeling Unfit

I can't believe I spent the entire day at home surfing the internet. Hmmm, actually I think I do believe it since that is what I've been doing mostly when i don't have lectures to go to. Jia lat man, my fitness kena thrown out of the window liao. Some more need to train up for IPPT and the hike in LTC II. There's nothing more pai seh than to peng in front of the Boys.

Repost

Heh, I found this while I was reading through my old blog entries. This was something I wrote during one of those boring lectures in OCS sometime in 2003. How time flies man.

The road is long,
the path rugged,
the dangers many,
the temptations strong;
But my heart is set,
my goal clear,
my reward great,
and with Jesus, my journey easy.

Exams are coming again

That's right exams are coming again.

23 April - Organic Chem <--- my worst module comes first :*(
25 April - Basics of Political Science
27 April - Nation-Building in Singapore <--- (lol a lame module if you ask me)
30 April - Inorganic Chem
2 May - Physical Chem

And the best part? I still haven't revised ANYTHING yet. Heck, I don't think I have even read through everything yet. At least I can get a one day break in between to cram for the next paper. Haiz, I wonder how some people can just study and study without feeling completely bored out of their minds. I can barely muster a hour studying chemistry before I have to go do something else (like BB stuff ;p) to maintain my sanity.

Speaking of BB stuff, the Year 5 adventure committee just sent me their revised hike planing schedule and their hike recce is on the 21st of April, which is 2 days before my hardest paper. Oh well, maybe it will be a nice break to walk around Lim Chu Kang and visit the cemeteries.

The Year 3s are also "busy" planning for their LTC II. "Busy" in open-inverted commas since sometimes I wonder whether they're really spending time on it. It's so easy to get impatient and frustrated with them when they drag their feet over something that can actually be planned and dusted in a couple of weeks. But that's Year 3s for you I guess, totally lost and usually bochap about a lot of things (especially BB stuff). I always have to remind myself that I can't expect the same standard from them as I expect from the Year 5s (though the Year 5s aren't that great either heh).

On Idealists and Pragmatists

"Pragmatism keeps you alive. Idealism makes you alive. Somewhere there has to be a balance."

From http://www.insanepoly.com/blog/?p=317

A really excellent post regarding the recent events in Singapore. Do read it, I may come up with some of my own thoughts later.

Sianz

I have a inorganic and history test tomorrow and I spent the entire afternoon doing BB stuff and the entire night talking about BB stuff. Haiz, I wonder whether I am really wasting my time in NUS studying something that I would most likely not be doing after I graduate.

Often times I think of the amount of time I spent in BB and I wonder why the heck do I devote so much of my life to it. Man do I need to get a life outside of BB.

Seeking the Giver, not the gift

Hymn of Faith

Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.

- Habakkuk 3:17-18


Sometimes I feel so far away. Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel that the future holds nothing good for me. And yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, for He is good and His Love endures forever.

I miss the days when I felt so fired up to give bible study. Days when I justed wanted to go and give those "fire and brimstone" messages that are so needed in the church. But yet now as I look back, I realise the pride that was in my heart, that I felt I was "above" those in my cell group in church. Who am I to teach the Word of God to others?

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing."

- Romans 7: 18-19

Minister Salaries to go up?

Simply astounding. While Singaporeans struggle to survive in this "globalized" economy, the Pappies can still declare that they're only being paid half of what they could get in the private sector. Utter bullshit I tell you. Greed really has no bounds in this world.

Heh maybe 12th Coy should start paying officers a "competitive salary". If not we might leave and go serve in some other youth organization that pays better.

On nostalgia and Inspiration

To inspire: To stimulate to action; motivate

Sent a friend off to Tekong last Thursday for his two year NS stint (cuz of PTP la). As I walked through the Tekong ferry terminal, looking at my old company line and parade square, I could not help but remember all the good times in BMT (Yes I said good ;p)

I first enlisted on 18th February 2003 to BMTC school one Foxtrot Company. I remember the trepidation yet excitement to finally enter NS. (Weird I know, but all my friends were already enlisted by then so now I could finally join all of them heh.)

I remember the first PT session in Foxtrot involved our entire platoon in pumping position on the basketball court that had been heated by the noon sun. Our platoon sergeant and all the section commanders were there as well with us on the hot synthetic floor. I remember our PS leading us in doing 70 push ups and for every one that we recruits did, all the commanders would do five. When we finally recovered from pumping position, almost all of our palms were black from the heat of the floor. This pretty much set the tone of my first BMT.

For every training, whether it be a gym session or field camp, my platoon instructors were right by with us. When we put camo on, they would put camo on as well. (though with much more interesting patterns than our own three black stripes across the face heh.) During our simulated war games in field camp, our section commanders would be there beside us doing our fire-and-movement. When we went for BIC (or Battle inoculation Course for those who do not know), my section commander was with us crawling through the gravel and under barbed wire, often looking back and urging the stragglers to crawl faster. My PS issued to us a challenge at the start of BMT that if our entire platoon could do 3 times as many chin-ups as all the platoon commanders combined, they would do 100 push-ups for us. No easy feat considering that all of them could do 25 chin-ups on average and most of us were zero fighters (cannot do even 1 chin-up). Inspired by the challenge though, by the end of BMT, we had safely beaten the marker and got our 100 push-ups which they all did on the spot.

My OC in Foxtrot was a quite famous personality for those who went through BMT from end 2002 to about 2004 when he got posted to OCS as an instructor. I remember that before every route march he would come walking out of his office carrying this huge alice pack and a monkey ramp (which is used to hammer iron posts into the ground and weighs like another field pack). He would take his place at the head of the company and off we would go. Whenever we reached a rest point, the command to hold our rifles overhead would inevitably follow before we could halt. While the rest of us groaned, the OC would hold his monkey ramp ramrod straight above his head, exhorting us to push beyond our physical endurance.

At the end of the day, he made us feel like soldiers. Despite the simpleness and basic stuff that was taught, the OC never failed to impress upon us that ultimately, what we needed to break was our mindset. That even when our mind sometimes says "no more", if we did not push beyond the limits we thought we had, we would never realise our real potential. Often times we would be so "shack cannot think", but what I learned was that we often set limits that are much lower than what we can actually do.

What inspired me most was seeing our section commanders, platoon sergeant, platoon commander and OC there with us when we were training. They taught us and they taught with us. Crawling through the mud ahead of us, they led from the front, showing us how it was to be done.

Sometimes when I think about 12th Coy, I wonder then how to inspire the Boys to push beyond their limits. Sometimes I think, we trainers just need to lead from the front, teaching them as well as with them.

A God who understands me?

"For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin."

- Hebrews 4:15

Can God, creator of the heavens and the earth truly understand the pain and temptations of this earthly realm? Yet His Son, who descended to suffer the torment and pain of the flesh, managed to emerge from it unblemished. Not only that, but having gone through the temptation of the flesh, can now sympathize with our plight!

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

- Hebrews 4:16

Oh God have mercy on me.

I hate Mondays

Ever felt so tired that you just could not be bothered to do anything but stay at home and stone? Got up today feeling like there was a stone in my head. Couldn't think straight at all, but still had to go for lectures especially organic since that is one module which I am totally lost at.

2 tests coming up as well as loads of readings that I just never got round to doing for my history and political science module. I had to literally drag myself to lecture in the morning.

And to think that exams are seven weeks away.

Becoming Blogger-savvy

Yay, I just figured out how to add music to my blog. Expect more Gospel goodness in the coming weeks. ;p

What does the future hold?

When I look back at the road I've traveled, when I think of the road ahead, where will it all lead?

10 years ago I was a little Sec 1 just entering ACS (I) and staying in Hall 2 of the ACS Boarding School. 10 years ago I entered ACS alone, not knowing anyone, unsure of the trials and challenges ahead. 10 years ago I joined the Boys' Brigade 12th (I) Company as a continuation from my years as a Junior from 42ndJ Coy (Nanyang Primary).

How time flies and soon 10 years are gone. So much has happened in that decade, most of what I can remember being from the BB. The ecstasy of Live Praise in Sec 2, the agony of LTC II in Sec 3, the euphoria of TA Camp in Sec 4, the 2 naive years in ACJC. That unforgettable ministry in ACS Boarding School, that eye-opening trip to India, the depression of doing 2 BMTs, the joy of entering OCS and the fun memories of NS in TAB. Studying in NUS a subject that I question my passion for and through it all, an officership in the 12th.

When I look back at the road traveled, I think of the life changing decisions made and the events that occurred. The time I nearly joined Scouts instead of BB in Primary School, the six years I spent as a Boy in the 12th, being posted to WSO (C3) especially since my physical fitness really cannot make it ;p. How can I deny that evidence of a higher Power directing my paths.

For though I constantly sin and fail, He remains faithful and forgiving. Even when I feel depressed and lonely, He stays by my side. Even when I feel He is so far away, I look back and see that He guides my paths and is patient with me.

When I think of the road ahead, life seemed so much simpler and straightforward 10 years ago. Enter ACS (I), get 8 points in O levels, apply for ACJC, get a few As in the A Levels, go NS and finally study in NUS. Now I find myself questioning "what now?". I shudder to think of the uncertain future. Future relationships and work, future commitments and disappointments, future heart ache and sorrow.

Where will the road of life lead? Before its inevitable end, what will transpire in the life ahead? When will it end? Tomorrow? Next year? 10? 20? 60 years? Oh that I may have more faith in His goodness and Love. What a wretched man I am, not worthy of his Love or even a glance from Him. How can He forgive me for all the times I've sinned and gone against His Word. Oh to break out of this wretched state that I am in. Lord have mercy on me.

"He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
- 2 Peter 3:9

heh dunno whether above is true or not ;p

Thought for the Day

If Man did not die, would he still have a reason to live?

"Now all has been heard: here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether good or evil." - Eccl 12:13-14

At last an update

Finally another update after 2 months. Heh, I think my blog can become bi-monthly liao. Lots of stuff to do both in ACS and in NUS and I'm frankly quite sick of studying in NUS.

If you've read the newspapers in recent weeks, you would have known that there is a huge uproar over the "Wee" incident. Her remarks coming so soon after a poor Singaporean had thrown himself into the path of an MRT train is like lighting a bonfire on a tank of explosives.

However, her remarks have got me thinking about the roles of those of the more fortunate. It is indeed heartwarming to see the public outpouring of donations to the family of the late Mr. Tan. I believe that those who have plenty should share it with those who have little. What use is the money that you hoard up during your life after you're dead.

Do not despise or look down on those poorer or less fortunate than you for you never know, you may end up like them in the future.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." - Job 1:21

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Back Again // And School's Starting Again!

Time to dust off the old blog and do some updating. ;p

Finally after close to 4 months of slacking it's time to prepare for a new school year and bid for modules. Oh and did I mention I absolutely detest bidding?
I basically forgot that the bidding round ends at 1700H rather than 2100H, so when I got back, I did not get any of the modules I wanted. To make matters worst, there were no more free slots at all. Now I've gotta wait till next Monday to find out if they will have more slots to bid for. Sigh....

Australia is such a beautiful country, with the wide open spaces and excellant weather, not to mention the huge variety of food available. Staying with my brother for 18 days, we basically spent most of the time eating if we weren't shopping or sleeping. ;p Who knows, maybe I'll spend my post-grad studies in Melbourne.

I've realised how much time I spend surfing the net and all the various blogs and internet forums. Ever since the GE, the internet represents a wonderful medium where people can meet and share ideas easily. My faith in the ST's credibilty has pretty much evaporated since the GE. And everyday the home news remains biased and tainted by Pro-PAP propaganda.

In the run-up to National Day, or rather "PAP Day", I can frankly say that the only things keeping me on this chunk of Earth are my family and relatives. Despite all the hoo-ha about "Singapore's struggle for Independence", the sad truth remains that we've basically traded one set of imperial rulers (the British) for another set of rulers, one that hides under a facade of democracy while practising a form of autocratic rule only seen in countries like Myanmar and North Korea. For what price are Singaporeans willing to countinue to pay in the name of economic progress. In the end, who actually benefits from the blood and sweat of the common man.

Finally the truth is out

http://www.yawningbread.org/arch_2006/yax-615.htm


GRCs were skewed from the start and Singaporeans have been hood-winked for 20 years about supposed minority representation. Yet 66.6% of Singaporeans still believe the hogwash that Singapore is governed by a democratic "1st-World government". I'm amazed that they can recite the pledge without batting an eyelid.