"Both in India and in my travels around Western countries, I constantly uncovered a preoccupation with so-called “ministry” activities operated by Christian workers, financed by church monies, but with little else to distinguish them as Christian. . . . Social concern is a natural fruit of the Gospel. But to put it first is to put the cart before the horse; and from experience, we have seen it fail in India for more than 200 years. Yet while I realized the intrinsic nature of the Gospel involved [in] caring for the poor, I knew the priority was giving them the Gospel. Meeting their needs was a means to share the love of Christ so they would be saved for eternity."
Went for Global Day of Prayer today and guess what, the place wasn't full. Maybe not even 3/4 full in fact. Amazing to think that for Festival of Praise the place would be full 1/2 an hour before the event started and hordes of people would be stuck outside for want of a seat. But then again, maybe that sums up Singaporean Christianity. People would rather go for an exciting (entertaining) music extravaganza showcasing the latest in Christian Rock (if there is such a thing) rather than go to any event with the word "prayer" in it. We want to be entertained and God is there for our entertainment. We're contented to keep God as a little cherry on top of our mountain of material goods and accomplishments, and woe betide if He should think of becoming anything else.
Which is why I think the last speaker really made a lot of sense when he reminded us that all of our achievements and progress comes from God and are for His Glory and Blessing. As a country awash with affluence (especially amongst the Christian community)how much more should we take care not to forget the Giver. Though I must confess that after about 1 1/2 hours my mind did begin to wander and fatigue began to set in. Oh that God may have mercy on me.
Potluck at Zhiguang's place went relatively smoothly though firstly, I should have prepared what I wanted to say earlier and secondly, it was a bit disappointing to see the turnout, not least that there was quite a decent amount of food left uneaten.
The number of Year 6's signing up was well..... underwhelming to put it mildly. Maybe one can be understanding since they have quite a bit of studying to do in view of their exams and the programme presented to them was quite demanding (to them). Maybe we're "selling" officership so desperately that people think of us like insurance salesmen who should be avoided and ignored. Maybe six years in BB is too much and one wants to throw off the shackles of regulations and rules and finally be free to do what one pleases.
==================================================== I do not know why, but I have a very bad feeling about the next few days. Like a slow onset of depression (which everyone seems to be suffering from recently).
"Is the world crucified to you tonight, or does it fascinate you?" - Leonard Ravenhill
When one thinks about the 12th Company, one is hard pressed to find God within it. So often we have turned aside to our own separate way, so often we sacrifice Christ for "pragmatic" gain and worldly acclaim. Having a form of godliness, but denying its power.
"Because you say, ‘I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing’—and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked" - Revelations 3:17
When will we awake from our slumber? When will we finally realize the wretched state that we are in? When will we finally throw ourselves upon the Grace of God alone? For we would rather busy ourselves with programmes and planning instead of waiting upon and seeking the Lord, and so delude ourselves by putting ministry above God Himself.
We boast so much in our gold medals. We take pride so often in our long heritage and traditions. We have "methods" and "strategies" to "bring down" the Power of God. We seek the Lord in order that men may praise our "holiness" and "spirituality". We believe all is well, not realizing the boat we're on is sinking and so many are perishing without Christ.
Why all the arguments? Why all the "I follow Paul" or "I follow Apollos"? Why all the disputes over who gets the credit for what ultimately belongs to God alone? Why all the petty arguments over small personal sleights? Why the chasing after of what the World deems as success? Why all this foolish and meaningless boasting? Fools! Do you not know that all our righteousness are like filthy rags? What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, but lose his soul. Will God, the creator of the UNIVERSE, take a look at all your gold medals and accomplishments and be impressed? Meaningless, meaningless, all of these are meaningless. Why worry over one's "ricebowl", position or career? Is not the Lord mighty enough to provide for those who seek His Will? Or is your god so weak that you must fend for yourself.
I know of my own struggles. My struggles with pride and self-righteousness. My life-long struggle with lust and sexual immorality. The times when I have relied on my own wisdom and strength and chased after what the World says I should chase.
"But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." - Gal 6:14
When I think of the generations of BB Boys who have passed or will pass through the doors of the 12th, how many will be secure in their faith? How many will question their faith after going though IB and all its godless studies on "philosophy" and Buddhist-like texts. Of those who return to serve, how many will do so out of a desire to be "respected" by the Boys or because they want to exercise power and authority over others and feel good about themselves?
Did not Jesus Himself come to serve rather than to be served? Did not Jesus wash the disciples feet and command them to do likewise? It's either Christ or nothing! One does not come back in order to have one's needs met. Indeed, one serves only so that Christ may be glorified and that the Gospel may be preached. For what else is there besides Christ?
In Christ Alone, I place my trust And find my glory in the Power of the Cross. In every victory, let it be said of me, My source of strength, my source of hope Is Christ Alone =============================================== I Surrender All - Clay Crosse
I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land Raising strong and mighty fortresses, that I alone command But the castles I've constructed, by the strength of my own hand Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand In the middle of the battle, I believe I've finally found I'll never know the thrill of victory, 'till I'm willin' to lay down All my weapons of defense, and earthly strategies of war So I'm layin' down my arms and runnin' helplessly to Yours
I surrender all, my silent hopes and fears Though the price to follow, costs me everything I surrender all, my human soul desires If sacrifice requires That all my kingdoms fall I surrender all
If the source of my ambition, is the treasure I obtain If I measure successes, on scale of earthly gain If the focus of my vision is the status I attain My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain So I lay aside these trophies, to pursue a higher crown And should you choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down I surrender all the triumphs, for it's only by Your grace I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise
Everything I am, all I've done and all I've known Now belongs to you the life I live is not my own Just as Abraham laid Isaac, on the sacrificial fire If all I have, is all that You desire I surrender all
"But if they say they know they are a sinner and they say they want to go to heaven, then we do the greatest of all travesties. [We ask them] Would you like to open the door and ask Jesus to come into your heart...... Listen, its Christ's door and if He wants to come in He will kick the stinkin' door down......"
-Taken from Paul Washer's sermon "I am under obligation" *Start from 1:54 of part 6*
Well the Year 6 have finally been released from their obligations to the 12th and the pioneer Primers Programme has reached its final conclusion.
Looking at these bunch of Year 6s, one cannot but feel the years which have passed by. When they entered in 2003 as Sec 1s, I too had just returned to the Company following my Seniors' years in ACJC as and when I could with my NS commitments.
The camps and hikes of those initial years. Oh how I wish I was so much wiser back then. That someone had sat me down and explained the mission of the 12th. Someone who would have walked me through and guided my faith. I never understood the purpose of BB and of the ministry of service in the 12th during those first few years. Looking back, I regret the immaturity of my faith and of not having the conscientiousness and mindfulness to truly reach out and understand them. To tell them about God and the wonderful things He has done. To support Ivan during those tough times.
And so now, as some consider BB life after Primers, the mission must be laid clear before them. Their faith must be strengthened and matured through mentorship, the reading of the Word and by prayer. The mistakes of the past cannot be repeated again. Just as no Boy enters BB by chance, no Officer or Instructor serves in the 12th by chance, for all have been assigned and designated by God.
As I count down my days of service in the 12th, and consider the Year 4s that the Lord had placed under me, there were so many things that I could, and should, have done better. My weaknesses and failures remain so glaring in my life. My inability to push through policies, to communicate properly with the Year 4s or to practice what I preach, my readiness to compromise on values, my tendency to idle.
And that is why TA Camp 2008 is so special. For I finally came to the realization that if there is anything I should boast in, I will boast in the Lord.
Or at least the verses that all those who intend to serve should read and believe
"But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts.
For we never came with words of flattery, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed—God is witness.
Nor did we seek glory from people, whether from you or from others, though we could have made demands as apostles of Christ.
But we were gentle among you,like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.
So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.
For you remember, brothers,our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God.
You are witnesses, and God also,how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers.
For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory."
I really must thank God today. I had accidentally left my thumbdrive in my shorts yesterday and they went through the washer. Only found out when I was searching for it today and when I tried it, it somehow managed to work without any loss of data. God is gracious even in the small things :P
People ask, "Why be so passionate about God?" People ask, "Why give up ambitions, career and leisure for His service?" People ask, "Why spend day after day in ACS with the Boys?" People ask, "What ever could motivate you to do all these?"
I have finally come to realize, after such an unforgivably long time, the utter and total weakness of my flesh, of my own human wisdom and strength. The dawning realization and revelation that hits you like a speeding train and leaves you so totally and completely broken and in despair.
For it is one thing to declare it and acknowledge it with your mind, but it is a completely different story when it hits your heart. When the revelation tears away the darkness that shrouded the eyes of your heart and you realize how totally blind you were before.
For the Lord sustains us and everything in the Universe. No breath, no beat of our heart happens apart from the grace and power of God. In sickness and in health, in poverty and in abundance, the Lord sustains us in all situations.
Who is like the Lord? Who calls the stars by name and who commands them into place. Who raised the highest mountains and carved the deepest seas. Who commands the sea and wind to move where He so desires. And yet He calls to Man and Man says, "No!"
But yet I have greater confidence, for my confidence is in Christ and in Christ Alone. For when I am weak, He is strong. For when the Man in me decreases, then does Christ increase in me. And that is the reason why I have hope and assurance. For my God is a mighty God and I know that what He has planned for me is good.
I know that in the future, there will be times that I will try to take back the wheel. There will be times I will wander away from the path that God has set for me. I pray that the Lord will come quickly to bring me back to the narrow way.
Lord take the wheel, for I am indeed too weak to do so.
Finally reached the 100th post mark after like what, 4 years? Not bad though, 25 posts a year :P.
So how does one then commemorate such an "achievement"? Keeping a blog has allowed me to look back at what I was 4 years ago in NS and see the journey that God has so graciously led me through.
Looking even further back, I cannot help but be amazed at how God has led me through my short 23 years on this Earth and I will commemorate this 100th post by declaring His faithfulness and Grace.
Primary 4 1994 - Having chosen Scouts as my CCA, somehow we had to redo the whole exercise due to some administrative problem. Talked to my mum and she said: "Join BB cause your dad and uncles had all been part of it." And thus started my time in the BB
1997 - Posted to SJI. Somehow managed to appeal into ACS(I) and joined 12th(I)
1999 - That one night of brokenness and helplessness in LTC II. The day we bared our hearts and our vulnerabilities to one another.
2000 - The camp that God so graciously came even though we were so undeserving of Him. The six months in Boarding School where I was so overwhelmed by God's power and Majesty.
2003-2005 - The NS years where even though I wandered away so many times, God came and guided me through. Went through BMT twice and still managed to enter OCS. Got assigned to RSAF ADA then reassigned to C3, a (I admit) much easier vocation than most.
This is a faithful saying: For if we died with Him, We shall also live with Him. If we endure, We shall also reign with Him. If we deny Him, He also will deny us. If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.
Since the end of last year I had been asking God for a Word, for myself and especially in view of the (very close) TA Camp, and the words that struck me were "Back to Basics"
What is the crux of salvation? What is it that defines Christianity when you strip away all the high theology and "cheem" arguments of Creation versus evolution. As Paul wrote to the Corinthians,
"And I, brethren, when I came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony[a] of God. For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified." - 1 Corinthians 2: 1-2
Back to the cross. Back to that single greatest moment in human history when God Himself sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross for the redemption of man in spite of man's terrible sin. Back to the realization that only the death of the Son of God would satisfy the wrath of God that had so far been stored up for sinful man.
Back to repentance, to the daily confession of Sin, realizing that the evidence of salvation is a changed life. Back to the realization that God deserves EVERYTHING that I have because of the price that was paid. Back to praying unceasingly and to the weeping over my sins and for those in my care.
What is my greatest fear as of now? That I may one day lose this fervor and desire for holiness and righteousness. Lord I pray that this may not be so.
Do nothing that you would not like God to see. Say nothing that you would not like God to hear. Write nothing that you would not like God to read. Go no place where you would not like God to find you. Read no book of which you would not like God to say, “Show it to Me.” Never spend your time in such a way that you would not like to have God say, “What are you doing?”
Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls— Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The LORD God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, And He will make me walk on my high hills.
26/1 Live Praise for Year 1s 2/2 Coy Games Parents' letter for Year 1s Presentation for Year 1s Talk to YW and Jon Chan
And that is just the beginning :( I've still got the following things to think about:
1) **TA Camp Spiritual Blueprint** 2) TA Camp planning 3) *Year 4 Bible Study and Programme* 4) *Year 1 Bible Study and Programme* 5) Officer recruitment 6) Officer training 7) Year 1 Hike 8) Awards for Year 1 and 4 9) Running of Admin
With lectures beginning tomorrow, and despite the fact that I have specially arranged to take only 4 modules this semester, looking at this whole long list makes me feel tired already. Add in the problem with the number and type of officers we currently have and the general working culture in 12th Coy, depressed is probably too mild a word for what I'm feeling right now.
Serving in the 12th is really becoming unbearable at times. The white shirt now often seems a burden too heavy to bear and a poisoned chalice for most people. It has become kind of a cycle really. Originally sparked off by an intensification of our programme, it resulted in a heavier workload for Officers, which leads to us having little time outside of BB to do our own stuff, which leads to people not wanting to volunteer because serving in the 12th literally means spending the best part of your Uni life or precious book out time doing BB stuff, which then leads to an even heavier workload for us, which leads us to.... I think you get the point.
So much to do, so many things to consider. What's the point of coming up with innovative, fun or meaningful programmes or ideas when they're usually scrapped or thrown out because the "higher-ups" deem it a) too dangerous b) too expensive c) too "stressful" for the teachers or Boys (as though we are not stressed) d) too ambitious e) for "vain-glory" ( though I've seen things they approve of which I can most certainly say IS for vain-glory.)
Like who cares for the Boys anyway? The most important thing is to win awards right? "Render onto Caesar what is Caesar's"? Then we can enjoy our salary increments and bonuses, while getting praised for the "wonderful" job we're doing. Hang on, I don't recall getting any salary or bonus for spending an entire Saturday in ACS and the hours throughout the week planning the programmes.
Can someone tell me how not to be disillusioned when a CHRISTIAN Organization can declare that Christ comes first while blatantly, and in the same breath mind you, declare that trainings for AQ supersede Bible Studies since apparently getting those JM Fraser points is more important than the teaching of the Word of God.
Sick and Lost. Those are the words that come to me when I think of this organization. Where are we going? What are we doing here? The pursuit of accomplishments and accolades has blinded us to the spiritual wasteland all around. The politics has distracted us from the fact that Boys are passing through our hands and into Hell and we don't even give a damn. Oh that the Lord will have mercy on us when He calls us to account for our actions.
Another day, another year gone by. How time flies indeed. I say this not as a cliche but as a fact of life.
23 years..... who would have thought that it would come so soon. In the arrogance of youth, time seems to stretch into eternity. Classes in NYPS, ACS and ACJC never seemed to end early and tended to drag longer and longer. In 2003, 2 and 1/2 years of NS seemed like it would never end. But yet, it all has. All that had a beginning had an ending.
And so another ending is in sight. One more semester before I finish my bachelors degree. Should I do one more year? Should start working? Work where and in what? So many questions and permutations. Yet, if the Lord wills, I will serve Him in the best way that I can.
As the year-end approaches, I look back at the year that has past. What will the Lord say of it? So many things that I should or could have done. Looking at the year ahead, so many unknowns and paths to choose. I pray that I may walk the narrow and difficult path to salvation.
The future is always frightening. Mankind has since time memorial dreamt of controlling or at least predicting his future, whether through the stars, spirits, statistics or simply by guesswork.
Even when the wisest man in history has declared that everything under the sun is meaningless, Man still chases after what ultimately he cannot keep, that will one day rot and return to the dust from which it came.
As the exams approach once again, and thoughts of graduation and future careers spring to mind, one questions the logic behind it all.
When it's all been said and done There is just one thing that matters Did I do my best to live for truth? Did I live my life for you?
When it's all been said and done All my treasures will mean nothing Only what I have done For love's rewards Will stand the test of time
Lord, your mercy is so great That you look beyond our weakness And find purest gold in miry clay Turning sinners into saints
I will always sing your praise Here on earth and ever after For you've shown me heaven's my true home When it's all been said and done You're my life when life is gone...
Finally got to see some of the guys (and gals) from my old unit in TAB after like 2 years. How time files indeed. New faces galore, many old faces that are missing or are now moving on, while a few old remnants remain back in that dilapidated tower. (Ok lah, not so bad now since I heard they just renovated some rooms in it)
The amusing thing was the moment I saw anyone I knew that night, their first reaction would be "Wah G___, you pui liao. Civvy life good right." Most of the people I knew that were still in TAB still looked pretty much the same as I last saw them, though a bit more tired looking.
For all the complaints and crap that I had during that 1 year plus in TAB, looking back, I miss the myriad of characters in FSS, with all their eccentricities. People like Mekong, Lagoon, Smokeout, Jenga, T-Rex, Cyrax, Retro, Spirit, etc.... Also not forgetting the AOS and AOSS people. All those crazy times in Sudong, "interesting" weekend duties in the Tower, slacking in ACC or just plain talking cock in BOC made NS pass so much faster.
It was Retro's last day before being posted to PLAB so he gave a really crazy performance though I must say that the whole occasion was a lot more "civil" than the one we had two years ago. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the lao jiao NSMen didn't come so there weren't that many drunk people around this time. :P
Maybe it's weird that I would get so nostalgic about my time in TAB. Most people utterly detest or can't wait to forget their NS time. But now in Uni, that time in TAB represents a more carefree and "innocent" time where the only thing one worries about is whether one would be doing weekend duty in the coming week.
Well that is all in the past now and the only thing I truly detest in NS, IPPT, is coming soon which I have absolutely no hope in passing. At least dun have to go for RT yet.
Oh for a fresh fire, passion and insight into His Majesty.
Pray for those who are lost. that they might be found. Pray for those who are found, that they might not be lost again. Pray for those who have fallen away, that God might have mercy Pray that our focus will never drift away from that which is most important. Pray that God be Glorified in all that is done.
Damn pissed with myself today. I went and lost a $50 game barely one hour after buying it. Dunno why I'm so absent minded and I swear that the Harbourfront area hates me. (that's where I lost my wallet and IC 7 years ago)
Haiz, I hate to lose things and especially since it costs quite a decent chunk of my monthly allowance.
Been a lousy few days with all the stuff that's coming up, both in NUS and ACS(I). I so need a "drink" right now.
Yup that's right, I'll be going on a blogging hiatus for the next few weeks. Simply not inspired to write much the past few days. Reading my old posts, I've also realized how my posting style has changed (sometimes dramatically) over time. Who knows, maybe I'll go back to rambling about daily life instead of posting mostly "airy-fairy" stuff.
So I leave with a song. "Who am I? Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done."
Who am I? That the Lord of all the earth, Would care to know my name, Would care to feel my hurt. Who am I? That the bright and morning star, Would choose to light the way, For my ever wandering heart.
Not because of who I am, But because of what you've done. Not because of what I've done, But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading, Here today and gone tomorrow, A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you hear me when I'm calling, Lord, you catch me when I'm falling, And you've told me who I am. I am yours. I am yours.
Who am I? That the eyes that see my sin Would look on me with love And watch me rise again. Who am I? That the voice that calmed the sea, Would call out through the rain, And calm the storm in me.
Parades are finally over and I can now (hopefully) concentrate on my studies which has taken a beating over the last couple of weeks. The Admin has settled down somewhat though there are still a few loose ends to settle and the Wing System as not really gotten into gear yet.
However as I was talking to Charles late into the night, plans for the next 8 months are already being formulated. Even when parades have officially ended for the exams, the planning (and worrying) for the future has already begun.
Company Potluck, SGB and Primers Programme were just a few of the things being bandied about during that 3 hour plus discussion. The direction of the Year 3 Admin was also another topic being keenly "debated", but ultimately the one topic that stood out was the discussion about the 12th Company "culture".
When should a Boy be punished? How should he be punished? What are the things we want a Boy to learn about leadership, responsibility or God? What is the best way to teach it? What is the Company's purpose and vision?
The questions being asked frankly left more questions than answers in the end. Some of them were beyond our "level" of authority, but ultimately I came to struggle at the "how" question.
How easy it is to answer the "Why" and "What" questions. Why teach the Boys? So that God may be glorified. What do we teach them? Principle and values like 'No Boy enters BB by chance', 'discipline not regimentation' or 'Christian Leadership is key.'
The question that I found hard to answer or come out with a solution ended up being the "how". Ironic considering that most of the time people do not see the big picture "why" and "what", but are more concerned or adept at the "how". However in this case, it was the "how" that baffled us.
How to teach discipline without punishment? How to ensure that Boys are taught about responsibility and the importance of punctuality without a certain amount of "regimentation"? Is there another way that Boys can be taught about obedience and self-discipline? Is giving push-ups bad or is it the process that one goes through before meting out punishment that determines whether the punishment is acceptable or not? How can the culture of 12th Company be changed such that for future generations, "pumping" will not be the first and last resort Officers will use to establish order or worse, take out their frustration on Boys?
Well we did not really come to any conclusion on the matter. So much to consider, so much to do.
I was going to write a long tirade about BB and about people who don't come back to help despite all that BB has given them, but I guess that wouldn't be too good to say out loud.
Maybe I'm just bitter when I think about what I could have done or could be doing now if I wasn't serving in ACS, especially now that I'm learning about Opportunity Cost and Diminishing Returns in my Econs Module.
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."
- Romans 7:14-20
A pretty apt verse for my current condition, or in fact, my condition for as long as I can remember.
Ever since I was young, going through ACS, BB, Boarding School, India, NS and now Uni, these 7 verses have always described my life. Ever since young I have been "cursed" by habitual sins and temptations that would not go away (those of you who know me should know what I'm talking about). In fact, I find more and more sin hiding in my life.
Despite the countless worship sessions, prayer meetings, (real?) cries of repentance. Despite all the experiences and events that have occurred, I am still overcome by my sinful nature. How long can this go on?
I do not do what is good, rather I do what is not good. How then am I worthy of teaching His word, the Word of the ALMIGHTY and HOLY God when my life is still wracked with sin and guilt. Who am I that I should tell others what to do when I cannot or would not even do it myself.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Oh that He will forgive me for taking His sacrifice in vain over and over again.
So a new Admin has been installed and a new school year dawns once again. Somehow with 6 modules this Semester that I decided to take on impulse, it looks like I won't have much time during the week to check on the new admin.
Now that the Admin posts are settled, I can turn my attention to getting the Admin structure going. And that is the concern now with all the new procedures and projects that they need to do, it is gonna be hard trying to monitor all of them. Good thing I have Samuel to cover some things for me.
For all the worries regarding the new Admin, I can only but surrender it all to God and let him take control. My only prayer is that they will Love God and Love each other.
"O brother, pray; in spite of Satan, pray; spend hours in prayer; rather neglect friends than not pray; rather fast and lose breakfast, dinner, tea and supper --- and sleep too --- than not pray. And we must not talk about prayer, we must pray in right earnest. The Lord is near. He comes softly while the virgins slumber."
- Andrew A. Bonar
Oh Lord teach me how to travail and persevere in prayer.
"Now the LORD said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel? Fill your horn with oil, and go; I am sending you to Jesse the Bethlehemite. For I have provided Myself a king among his sons.....So it was, when they came, that he looked at Eliab and said, “Surely the LORD’s anointed is before Him!” But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”"
1 Samuel 16 :1,6-7
In 3 more weeks, a old generation of admin will pass and a new one will take its place. Over the past 3 weeks, Boy after Boy has passed through the interview doors and now the real deliberation begins.
And as each Boy is assigned to a post, I was reminded of how, when Samuel went to anoint a new king after Saul, God made Samuel look and consider each of Jesse's sons before finally pointing out the youngest, David.
Why then did the Lord make Samuel go through all the elder sons first before finally pointing out David when he appeared? Why didn't the Lord immediately instruct Samuel to seek out David and anoint him on the spot?
One thing I came to realize was that at any point in time, Samuel could have easily said, "No Lord, I'm sure that THIS person is meant to be king." And God would probably have relented, just as how He relented when the people of Israel demanded a king in the first place.
But Samuel would not be turned from chasing after God's Will. Even when it seemed that the choices were exhausted, Samuel stuck to God's instructions and asked if there were any more sons.
One can only pray that God will choose this admin, not me nor any officer. Not even, I dare say, the captain himself. For Man looks only at the outward appearance, but God sees that which we cannot see, the heart of the man.
Oh that this admin and cohort will grow up chasing after God's Glory.
You could say I was completely knackered after BB CARES today in Bethany. This plus the fact that I've been in ACS every afternoon for the past 2 weeks means that when I reached home, I more or less collapsed on the bed.
Bethany is, as always, a struggle for me every time I enter those glass-doored wards. The first thing that hits you is the sense of helplessness, and to a certain extent hopelessness, whenever you enter the ward. A hollow and distant look is what greets visitors when they see the old folks staring at the TV or into space. These people, how often must we remind ourselves that, who are here because either their families cannot care for them anymore, have been abandoned, or who simply do not have any family to speak of.
What than can we few helpers do? How many volunteers walk through those glass doors once a year or even once a lifetime and leave never to be seen again by these old folks? How many volunteers have these old folk seen come and go?
And as I stood beside the bed of a man who could hardly speak, for his teeth had long since been removed, I could only weep inwardly at my own helplessness, at my own inadequacy in language.
For every month, an average of 5 old folks pass away in the home. The old man that I stood beside today may be gone tomorrow. The next time I return, the place may be awash with new residents, yet almost all with the same look of despondency of those who had gone before.
After the official programme was over, I made a slight detour before going home for I needed some time to think and reflect.
As I gazed upon the rolling hills and tombstones of those who had gone before me, I wondered whether the Boys had realized anything from their visit to Bethany. As I carefully pulled the weeds from a grave that I had visited for the past 7 years, I wondered what difference could we ever make to the lives of those in Bethany.
For Life is short and Man is but a vapor that appears for a little while before it vanishes away.
FROM THE SQUALOR OF A BORROWED STABLE, By the Spirit and a virgin's faith; To the anguish and the shame of scandal Came the Saviour of the human race! But the skies were filled with the praise of heaven, Shepherds listen as the angels tell Of the Gift of God come down to man At the dawning of Immanuel.
King of heaven now the Friend of sinners, Humble servant in the Father's hands, Filled with power and the Holy Spirit, Filled with mercy for the broken man. Yes, He walked my road and He felt my pain, Joys and sorrows that I know so well; Yet His righteous steps give me hope again - I will follow my Immanuel!
Through the kisses of a friend's betrayal, He was lifted on a cruel cross; He was punished for a world's transgressions, He was suffering to save the lost. He fights for breath, He fights for me, Loosing sinners from the claims of hell; And with a shout our souls are free - Death defeated by Immanuel!
Now He's standing in the place of honour, Crowned with glory on the highest throne, Interceding for His own belovèd Till His Father calls to bring them home! Then the skies will part as the trumpet sounds Hope of heaven or the fear of hell; But the Bride will run to her Lover's arms, Giving glory to Immanuel!
Another week has gone by and it has really been a busy week for me interviewing the Year 3s for admin as well as participating in the review for awards and visiting the homes of two Boys. But with His purpose in mind, in all these things the Joy of the Lord is my Strength.
Today we finally realized the magnitude of change and planning required in revamping the entire awards programme of the Company. On discussing about Adventure ALONE we spent more than a hour just to get the basic premise and objectives out and even then it is woefully inadequate and skeletal.
But above the details and ideas, we had also come to the conclusion that the supply of Thinkers is very small. How many actually consider the relevance of our programme in this rapidly evolving world, where the tastes and interests of Boys change as quickly as the latest fashion in Paris.
Where are the thinkers and "revolutionaries" who are able to understand the "big picture" and, even at the expense of long-held traditions or practices, change the way things are done in order to meet the challenges and interests of each new generation of Boys.
So that each new generation of Boys may see the Glory of God and that the Word of the Lord may be preached to them.
This was the question asked to unsuspecting Year 3s as they came and sat for their admin interviews. Needless to say almost all of their first reactions were stunned silence, but then again they are only 15 year olds so it is forgivable for now.
But then the question still has to be answered. So what then is the purpose of 12th Company in ACS? Why have BB in ACS?
Why spend afternoons in the admin room planning activities for Saturday? Why give up entire Saturdays to come back to school again? Why exhaust resources on something that is deemed as merely a CCA according to MOE?
For if we do not understand an organization's reason for being, then that organization becomes redundant and a waste of time and effort.
I've had many varied answers to the question. Some say that 12th Company's role in ACS is to train leaders of the future. Others say it is a place for Christian Education to be taught to youths who so need it in this depraved world. Yet others also add that 12th Company is an organization to reach out and evangelize to the student population of ACS.
Are the above reasons correct and accurate? Yes, but to accept any of these as the main reason is to lose the whole point of Christianity itself.
For the purpose of 12th Company existing is solely for the Glory of God. And that I believe is a fundamental reason for BB existing in the first place. Such an idea requires a large paradigm shift in the mindsets of the Officers today.
An Officer returning to serve in the 12th Company must return not for the Company. Not for the awards or the recognition or respect. Not for friends or nostalgia. It's not even, I dare say, for the Boys themselves. An Officer must only return to serve in order to give Glory to God.
And therein lies a subtle yet fundamental truth. That no longer do we plan programmes or activities for the purpose of training Boys. Neither do we mentor and develop Boys for the purpose of Founder's or J M Fraser, but in EVERYTHING that we do, we do it so that God may receive Glory.
And so as a new admin takes shape and an old admin prepare to relinquish their responsibilities, as new programmes and actvities are planned for the coming year, as Officers go about their duty caring for the Boys, let us remember our sole purpose for existing. That God may be Glorified in everything that we do.
There are excited mutterings of a coming revival to ACS and as we seek, pray and agonize for those in the school, I am reminded of Boarding School 2000.
There we were, a bunch of 15, 16-year olds gathering every Tuesday and Thursday night to pray for ACS. We prayed for the Holy Spirit, we prayed in the Spirit and we faced many different trials along the way. Incidents with teachers and churches sought to derail our focus even as the idea of a Spiritual awakening began to form in ACS.
There was no elder to guide us, no elder to teach us and everything we did we had to rely upon God's grace.
I remember rushing through supper so that we could gather at the pool bleachers to talk and pray. I remember coming to the realization that God is more than just an abstract theory, but that He is Love and our Comforter in times of need. But I was young then. I wish I knew or had the spiritual maturity 7 years ago to seek God further than I actually did.
And so now 7 years later we've come full circle. For once again do people whisper about revival in ACS. For once again is a desire implanted in the hearts of man to see the lost saved. I look upon ACS now wishing that I could be part of that which God has planned for the school. But I know that it is those who are at the fore front of the battle, those who are in the school itself who are called to open the gateway to God's Glory. And people such as myself, those of us who have gone before, can only but help by pointing the right way to go and by keeping watch in prayer.
There must be more than this oh breath of God come breath within There must be more than this Spirit of God we wait for you Fill us anew we pray Fill us anew we pray
Consuming Fire Fan into flame a passion for your name Spirit of God fall in this place Lord have ur way Lord have ur way with us
Come like a rushing wind Fill us with power from on high Now set the captives free leave us abandoned to your praise Lord let your glory fall Lord let your glory fall
In Christ alone my hope is found; He is my light, my strength, my song; This cornerstone, this solid ground, Firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease! My comforter, my all in all— Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone, Who took on flesh, Fullness of God in helpless babe! This gift of love and righteousness, Scorned by the ones He came to save. Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied; For ev'ry sin on Him was laid— Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay, Light of the world by darkness slain; Then bursting forth in glorious day, Up from the grave He rose again! And as He stands in victory, Sin's curse has lost its grip on me; For I am His and He is mine— Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death— This is the pow'r of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand; Till He returns or calls me home— Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.
Yay my new cpu is here. Set me back by a couple of k but it's worth it. ;p I'll be enjoying it for the next few weeks or so, so don't be surprised if you message me on MSN and I don't reply.
Wow it's been a long time since the last update. So much BB stuff done and to do. I haven't had a BB-free Saturday at all since March and it doesn't look like I will have one till August (unless I take "off" ;p)
As for LTC, let's just say it had it's ups and downs. How close the Year 3s have bonded together still remains to be seen in the months running up Admin. I just hope and pray that they will come to pray and care for each other.
On the first night of LTC I had this deep sense that God was about to pour out His Love and Spirit upon the people in both camps. Somehow I was moved to tears as I knelt in the Prayer Room set aside for the camp and I remembered how much God loves each and every person such that He would send His only Son to die for us on the cross.
There was a certain air of expectancy on the last night of LTC as everyone gathered for the combined worship. We had carefully set aside time for God to come and minister with the full expectancy and faith in His Power. To see His Glory fall on the people in the camp. The worship began well and one could feel the Glory of the Lord coming closer and closer, reaching out to those calling on His name and worshiping fervently.
Somehow though, it came to a point in time when the Holy Spirit seemed to withdraw and the worship came to end soon after (it was only slightly over 1 hour when we had expected at least a couple of hours if not more.) I can only remember feeling a deep sense of dissatisfaction and asking "why God? Is that it? Is that all You had promised?" By God's grace He came again in Power during the next day's worship when I half-thought that He wouldn't. But the feeling of a wasted night took a long time to fade away. I will not dwell on the details of that night too much as I guess it is best left unsaid on a public blog.
One thing that I guess I learnt from LTC is to not confine God to a "box" or programme. To let God work in every single programme from Drill to Hike to even defaulters. How easy it is for us to give God only 2 hours during worship or Live Praise to work instead of the 24 hours that are rightfully His.
Following LTC, I had to attend two LDC 2s under HQ at the BB campsite in Sembawang since the Year 3s were going for it as part of their NCO Star stage 2 course. The camp was radically different from previous LDC 2s, more obviously through its new 2 day 1 night programme where it was previously 3 day 2 night, the fact that Boys did not have to bring Full-U and a completely new lecture syllabus.
Yes, there was a lecture syllabus and guess who had to teach it. Trying to make the lessons interesting for a bunch of hyper-active 15 year olds is no easy feat. I tried making it more "exciting" by doing some activities like blindfold soccer to teach them about things like communication and teamwork. I can only hope that they take back something from this camp to their companies.
For those brave few who read this blog, do take some time to view the "Revival" link on the right toolbar. I know it's pretty long, but it is so worth it and it blew my mind and spirit to hear such forceful preaching that cuts to the heart. That our whole ministry and life is not for ourselves, not for the unsaved, but for the Glory of God.
"May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering."
I'm tired of planning programmes and parades. I'm tired of sleepless nights thinking of ways to engage the Boys. I'm tired of spending Saturdays and weekdays doing BB stuff. I'm tired of worrying over Boys and how to keep them engaged and interested. I'm tired of the culture in ACS. I'm sick and tired of BB.
LTC is fast approaching and there are so many things still unsettled, chief among them being the theme for the camp. The spiritual blueprint has been a yearly tradition for every Sec 3,4 and 5 BB Boy especially in this June period. Is it really the best practice for the Boys? Well that is not for a mere mortal as myself to speculate on heh.
For weeks now it has seemed that the themes for the Year 3 and Year 5s would start to converge, this being aided by the fact that the Year 3 theme is pretty much a blank slate even as of now. The 3 verses that the year 5s managed to pray about were 1 John 3:18, James 4:8 and Hebrews 10:22. While James 4:8 has been pretty much been confirmed as the theme for the Year 2/5 LDC camp, 1 John 3 has impressed me the most for the Year 3s.
"In this the children of God and the children of the devil are manifest: Whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is he who does not love his brother. For this is the message that you heard from the beginning, that we should love one another,"
- 1 John 3:10-11
"Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him."
- 1 John 3:15
As I read through this section, I was reminded again of the commandment that Jesus gave to his disciples, and to us, of loving one another. Not only that, but that by this act will it separate those children of God from the children of the devil. And verse 15 raises the bar even higher when even by just hating a brother will a person be condemned as a murderer.
"But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?"
- 1 John 3:17
In this day and age where people are increasing beginning to look out for themselves only, we are reminded once again that those who are blessed materially by God should give of their blessings to bless others. If not how then does the Love of God abide in him?
"My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him."
- 1 John 18-19
Truly as we approach LTC, we so much more need to show Love through our actions and not by mere empty words. What the Year 3s need so much more now is to stand united under God through his Love and the love they have for each other. With more than 10 non-christians in the cohort alone, the need for repentance and a desire to reach out and help each other for the Christians is needed more than anything else now. I can only pray that God in His mercy will touch and convict the hearts of the Christians among the Year 3s to return to Him and to Love one another just as Jesus loved us and loved the unlovable.
These past two days were probably one of the best, if not the best official BB training that I have had since becoming an Officer in the 12th.
What does the BB Object mean? How do we infuse it into our programmes? What is the journey of a Boy and a Officer in BB? What are my strengths as a leader and in what areas do I need to improve? What can be done to improve the Company in ensuring that the BB vision and Object is fulfilled?
To move from a results-oriented Company to one that is concerned more with processes and to clearly define a way of recruiting and training Officers were some of the things that we felt that we needed to do to improve the 12th Company.
Ultimately, this workshop made us rethink and dream of new ways of raising Leaders for Christ. Now for us to take it back to ACS and thrive, not just survive.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
Often I feel so inadequate for ministry. Often I attempt to rationalize my faith ( and fail miserably at it). Often I wonder why I do what I do when I'm probably the least "qualified" to do it. I guess Paul really summed it up when he said that he will all the more boast in his weakness so that Christ's power may rest on him. I realize that in terms of spiritual knowledge, dynamism and example I'm probably one of the worst performers.
I hesitate over preaching the word, I am uncertain over my spiritual authority, I do not do what I ought to do, but do instead what I ought not to do. But I guess it is in this weakness that I can only trust God to give me the Words to speak and the life to lead as an example to others. To delight in my weakness for I know that when I am weak, I can only but trust God to work in my life and that His grace is sufficient to cover all my sins.
"For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder. I am afraid that when I come again my God will humble me before you, and I will be grieved over many who have sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual sin and debauchery in which they have indulged."
- 2 Corinthians 12: 20-21
Thinking over recent events in the Company, I wonder what would be Jesus's reaction if He would come back tomorrow. How grieved would He be to see those who call themselves Christians engage in quarrels, arrogance, sexual sin and impurity. As officers, how much more should we mourn and grieve for those Boys under us who have a form of Christianity, but without its power. Who take the name and sacrifice of the Son of God in vain and have made it a common thing. How much more as officers have we fallen short of the glory of God and taken the grace of God for granted in our lives.
How we need to, as Paul says, "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves." ( 2 Corinthians 13:5) To constantly work out our salvation with fear and trembling and to treasure the price that was paid for our salvation.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
- Matthew 6:33-34
I thought that once the exams were over I could finally get to enjoy my 3 month break from NUS. Who would have thought that in the week after the exams there would be so many things that would have cropped up, each bringing with it its own bag of problems.
I'm worried over my exam results. This semester was one of the lightest in terms of workload and projects, yet in all 3 of my chem modules I did not manage to finish the paper. And not just one or half a question, but equivalent to two questions.
I'm worried over the planning of the hike and LTC in June. I do not know whether it is because I'm so particular or downright picky with regards to planning stuff and all that, but somehow I just do not seem comfortable with the state of both the hike and LTC now.
I'm worried over the state of the Year 3s especially now in the run-up to LTC. I have supposedly 55 Year 3s on paper, but usually only about 28 to 35 turn up for parades and even those who turn up are not the same people on consecutive weeks. I have people missing a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME camp to go for daily training or for school activities. And to think that these Boys are gonna be admin in 3 months time. Granted that there are those regular few who make it a point to come down and who show a semblance of competence. I guess it's still too early to make judgment on people's abilities now, but creating an admin from this year is gonna be one tough and long road.
Perhaps most importantly, I worry that I'm simply not cut out for this kind of volunteer work. My man-management skill sucks and my inspiration index is in the pits. Coupled with recent developments in the Company, sometimes I wonder whether I should really just take a step back and say "find someone else".
Can someone please tell me how not to worry? I pray that God will give me the faith to believe that all things are in His control.
"Now Jabez was more honorable than his brothers, and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, “Because I bore him in pain.” And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!” So God granted him what he requested."
- 1 Chronicles 4:9-10
Oh that You would be with me and keep me from evil, that I may cause no pain.
I can't believe I spent the entire day at home surfing the internet. Hmmm, actually I think I do believe it since that is what I've been doing mostly when i don't have lectures to go to. Jia lat man, my fitness kena thrown out of the window liao. Some more need to train up for IPPT and the hike in LTC II. There's nothing more pai seh than to peng in front of the Boys.
Heh, I found this while I was reading through my old blog entries. This was something I wrote during one of those boring lectures in OCS sometime in 2003. How time flies man.
The road is long, the path rugged, the dangers many, the temptations strong; But my heart is set, my goal clear, my reward great, and with Jesus, my journey easy.
23 April - Organic Chem <--- my worst module comes first :*( 25 April - Basics of Political Science 27 April - Nation-Building in Singapore <--- (lol a lame module if you ask me) 30 April - Inorganic Chem 2 May - Physical Chem
And the best part? I still haven't revised ANYTHING yet. Heck, I don't think I have even read through everything yet. At least I can get a one day break in between to cram for the next paper. Haiz, I wonder how some people can just study and study without feeling completely bored out of their minds. I can barely muster a hour studying chemistry before I have to go do something else (like BB stuff ;p) to maintain my sanity.
Speaking of BB stuff, the Year 5 adventure committee just sent me their revised hike planing schedule and their hike recce is on the 21st of April, which is 2 days before my hardest paper. Oh well, maybe it will be a nice break to walk around Lim Chu Kang and visit the cemeteries.
The Year 3s are also "busy" planning for their LTC II. "Busy" in open-inverted commas since sometimes I wonder whether they're really spending time on it. It's so easy to get impatient and frustrated with them when they drag their feet over something that can actually be planned and dusted in a couple of weeks. But that's Year 3s for you I guess, totally lost and usually bochap about a lot of things (especially BB stuff). I always have to remind myself that I can't expect the same standard from them as I expect from the Year 5s (though the Year 5s aren't that great either heh).
I have a inorganic and history test tomorrow and I spent the entire afternoon doing BB stuff and the entire night talking about BB stuff. Haiz, I wonder whether I am really wasting my time in NUS studying something that I would most likely not be doing after I graduate.
Often times I think of the amount of time I spent in BB and I wonder why the heck do I devote so much of my life to it. Man do I need to get a life outside of BB.
Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls— Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
- Habakkuk 3:17-18
Sometimes I feel so far away. Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel that the future holds nothing good for me. And yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, for He is good and His Love endures forever.
I miss the days when I felt so fired up to give bible study. Days when I justed wanted to go and give those "fire and brimstone" messages that are so needed in the church. But yet now as I look back, I realise the pride that was in my heart, that I felt I was "above" those in my cell group in church. Who am I to teach the Word of God to others?
"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing."
Simply astounding. While Singaporeans struggle to survive in this "globalized" economy, the Pappies can still declare that they're only being paid half of what they could get in the private sector. Utter bullshit I tell you. Greed really has no bounds in this world.
Heh maybe 12th Coy should start paying officers a "competitive salary". If not we might leave and go serve in some other youth organization that pays better.
Sent a friend off to Tekong last Thursday for his two year NS stint (cuz of PTP la). As I walked through the Tekong ferry terminal, looking at my old company line and parade square, I could not help but remember all the good times in BMT (Yes I said good ;p)
I first enlisted on 18th February 2003 to BMTC school one Foxtrot Company. I remember the trepidation yet excitement to finally enter NS. (Weird I know, but all my friends were already enlisted by then so now I could finally join all of them heh.)
I remember the first PT session in Foxtrot involved our entire platoon in pumping position on the basketball court that had been heated by the noon sun. Our platoon sergeant and all the section commanders were there as well with us on the hot synthetic floor. I remember our PS leading us in doing 70 push ups and for every one that we recruits did, all the commanders would do five. When we finally recovered from pumping position, almost all of our palms were black from the heat of the floor. This pretty much set the tone of my first BMT.
For every training, whether it be a gym session or field camp, my platoon instructors were right by with us. When we put camo on, they would put camo on as well. (though with much more interesting patterns than our own three black stripes across the face heh.) During our simulated war games in field camp, our section commanders would be there beside us doing our fire-and-movement. When we went for BIC (or Battle inoculation Course for those who do not know), my section commander was with us crawling through the gravel and under barbed wire, often looking back and urging the stragglers to crawl faster. My PS issued to us a challenge at the start of BMT that if our entire platoon could do 3 times as many chin-ups as all the platoon commanders combined, they would do 100 push-ups for us. No easy feat considering that all of them could do 25 chin-ups on average and most of us were zero fighters (cannot do even 1 chin-up). Inspired by the challenge though, by the end of BMT, we had safely beaten the marker and got our 100 push-ups which they all did on the spot.
My OC in Foxtrot was a quite famous personality for those who went through BMT from end 2002 to about 2004 when he got posted to OCS as an instructor. I remember that before every route march he would come walking out of his office carrying this huge alice pack and a monkey ramp (which is used to hammer iron posts into the ground and weighs like another field pack). He would take his place at the head of the company and off we would go. Whenever we reached a rest point, the command to hold our rifles overhead would inevitably follow before we could halt. While the rest of us groaned, the OC would hold his monkey ramp ramrod straight above his head, exhorting us to push beyond our physical endurance.
At the end of the day, he made us feel like soldiers. Despite the simpleness and basic stuff that was taught, the OC never failed to impress upon us that ultimately, what we needed to break was our mindset. That even when our mind sometimes says "no more", if we did not push beyond the limits we thought we had, we would never realise our real potential. Often times we would be so "shack cannot think", but what I learned was that we often set limits that are much lower than what we can actually do.
What inspired me most was seeing our section commanders, platoon sergeant, platoon commander and OC there with us when we were training. They taught us and they taught with us. Crawling through the mud ahead of us, they led from the front, showing us how it was to be done.
Sometimes when I think about 12th Coy, I wonder then how to inspire the Boys to push beyond their limits. Sometimes I think, we trainers just need to lead from the front, teaching them as well as with them.
"For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin."
- Hebrews 4:15
Can God, creator of the heavens and the earth truly understand the pain and temptations of this earthly realm? Yet His Son, who descended to suffer the torment and pain of the flesh, managed to emerge from it unblemished. Not only that, but having gone through the temptation of the flesh, can now sympathize with our plight!
"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
Ever felt so tired that you just could not be bothered to do anything but stay at home and stone? Got up today feeling like there was a stone in my head. Couldn't think straight at all, but still had to go for lectures especially organic since that is one module which I am totally lost at.
2 tests coming up as well as loads of readings that I just never got round to doing for my history and political science module. I had to literally drag myself to lecture in the morning.
When I look back at the road I've traveled, when I think of the road ahead, where will it all lead?
10 years ago I was a little Sec 1 just entering ACS (I) and staying in Hall 2 of the ACS Boarding School. 10 years ago I entered ACS alone, not knowing anyone, unsure of the trials and challenges ahead. 10 years ago I joined the Boys' Brigade 12th (I) Company as a continuation from my years as a Junior from 42ndJ Coy (Nanyang Primary).
How time flies and soon 10 years are gone. So much has happened in that decade, most of what I can remember being from the BB. The ecstasy of Live Praise in Sec 2, the agony of LTC II in Sec 3, the euphoria of TA Camp in Sec 4, the 2 naive years in ACJC. That unforgettable ministry in ACS Boarding School, that eye-opening trip to India, the depression of doing 2 BMTs, the joy of entering OCS and the fun memories of NS in TAB. Studying in NUS a subject that I question my passion for and through it all, an officership in the 12th.
When I look back at the road traveled, I think of the life changing decisions made and the events that occurred. The time I nearly joined Scouts instead of BB in Primary School, the six years I spent as a Boy in the 12th, being posted to WSO (C3) especially since my physical fitness really cannot make it ;p. How can I deny that evidence of a higher Power directing my paths.
For though I constantly sin and fail, He remains faithful and forgiving. Even when I feel depressed and lonely, He stays by my side. Even when I feel He is so far away, I look back and see that He guides my paths and is patient with me.
When I think of the road ahead, life seemed so much simpler and straightforward 10 years ago. Enter ACS (I), get 8 points in O levels, apply for ACJC, get a few As in the A Levels, go NS and finally study in NUS. Now I find myself questioning "what now?". I shudder to think of the uncertain future. Future relationships and work, future commitments and disappointments, future heart ache and sorrow.
Where will the road of life lead? Before its inevitable end, what will transpire in the life ahead? When will it end? Tomorrow? Next year? 10? 20? 60 years? Oh that I may have more faith in His goodness and Love. What a wretched man I am, not worthy of his Love or even a glance from Him. How can He forgive me for all the times I've sinned and gone against His Word. Oh to break out of this wretched state that I am in. Lord have mercy on me.
"He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9
If Man did not die, would he still have a reason to live?
"Now all has been heard: here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether good or evil." - Eccl 12:13-14
Finally another update after 2 months. Heh, I think my blog can become bi-monthly liao. Lots of stuff to do both in ACS and in NUS and I'm frankly quite sick of studying in NUS.
If you've read the newspapers in recent weeks, you would have known that there is a huge uproar over the "Wee" incident. Her remarks coming so soon after a poor Singaporean had thrown himself into the path of an MRT train is like lighting a bonfire on a tank of explosives.
However, her remarks have got me thinking about the roles of those of the more fortunate. It is indeed heartwarming to see the public outpouring of donations to the family of the late Mr. Tan. I believe that those who have plenty should share it with those who have little. What use is the money that you hoard up during your life after you're dead.
Do not despise or look down on those poorer or less fortunate than you for you never know, you may end up like them in the future.
"Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." - Job 1:21
Time to dust off the old blog and do some updating. ;p
Finally after close to 4 months of slacking it's time to prepare for a new school year and bid for modules. Oh and did I mention I absolutely detest bidding? I basically forgot that the bidding round ends at 1700H rather than 2100H, so when I got back, I did not get any of the modules I wanted. To make matters worst, there were no more free slots at all. Now I've gotta wait till next Monday to find out if they will have more slots to bid for. Sigh....
Australia is such a beautiful country, with the wide open spaces and excellant weather, not to mention the huge variety of food available. Staying with my brother for 18 days, we basically spent most of the time eating if we weren't shopping or sleeping. ;p Who knows, maybe I'll spend my post-grad studies in Melbourne.
I've realised how much time I spend surfing the net and all the various blogs and internet forums. Ever since the GE, the internet represents a wonderful medium where people can meet and share ideas easily. My faith in the ST's credibilty has pretty much evaporated since the GE. And everyday the home news remains biased and tainted by Pro-PAP propaganda.
In the run-up to National Day, or rather "PAP Day", I can frankly say that the only things keeping me on this chunk of Earth are my family and relatives. Despite all the hoo-ha about "Singapore's struggle for Independence", the sad truth remains that we've basically traded one set of imperial rulers (the British) for another set of rulers, one that hides under a facade of democracy while practising a form of autocratic rule only seen in countries like Myanmar and North Korea. For what price are Singaporeans willing to countinue to pay in the name of economic progress. In the end, who actually benefits from the blood and sweat of the common man.
GRCs were skewed from the start and Singaporeans have been hood-winked for 20 years about supposed minority representation. Yet 66.6% of Singaporeans still believe the hogwash that Singapore is governed by a democratic "1st-World government". I'm amazed that they can recite the pledge without batting an eyelid.
This is a more detailed discussion on tithing than an earlier one that I found. It's a pretty long read, so prepare to have sore eyes after reading it.
Conclusion: Is tithing appropiate in the 21st Century? In Singapore, we see pastors of some churches (no names lol) living the high life in expensive homes and wearing thousand dollar suits. Are we driven by the "Law" to tithe 10% of our income or allowance, or do we give freely and cheerfully whatever we want to give. What is the point of tithing? To pay Church expenses? (Including the pastor's salary as well as the numerous church staff), or rather to support the homeless and hungry? If you had $100, would you give it to the church as part of your "duty" to tithe, or would you rather give it to a brother (or sister ;p) you know that has financial diffculties?
Went to the Worker's Party Open House on Monday with a NUS friend of mine. We met up at Lavender MRT at around 7+ and proceeded to have dinner at a coffee shop nearby. We didn't intend to go to the Open House so early (it started at 8pm), thinking that there would only be a small gathering of people. Boy were we wrong though.
The Worker's Party HQ consists of a 2nd Storey office of a small shop office. A far cry from the big and impressive buildings that the ruling party spend there time in ruling over Singapore. In fact, there was another office (for a ShippingCompany I believe) that shared the same floor as the WP office. The WP office area consisted of a large conference room (large being relative here) and a smaller meeting room. By the time I reached there at about 8.30pm, the place was packed! There were no more seats and my friend and I eneded up standing at the side of the room. All together I estimated about 60 people, not including the WP members there themselves.
The first half of the Open House consisted of some informal speeches by WP members like Perry Tong, Goh Meng Seng and few others I don't recognise. Nothing too deep or 'cheem', just some comments on the recently conducted GE as well as some introduction on the work of the WP. About 15 minutes after I arrived, Sylvia Lim was ushered to the front and she was warmly received by those present. She answered some questions on her team's performance in Aljunied as well as making some remarks about the Gomez Saga. (Won't post here lah, skarli she kena sue then how?)
The loudest applause was undoubtly reserved for Mr Low Thia Khiang when he entered the room. He came much later closer to nine and my friend commented maybe it was because the turnout was so large, that they had to "activate" LTK to come down and 'show face'. He encouraged people to sign on as WP members and to remain active in order to serve Singaporeans in grassroot activities, etc.... Seeing all these WP 'bigshots' up close was quite exciting for me. Heck, I think this is the closest I've ever been to a MP. (Actually, I once ushered Teo Chee Hean and Cedric Foo during my NS days, but this was different since LTK was actually talking to us on a personal level. ;p)
After all the talks, we promptly split up into smaller groups with each WP member talking with a few members of the public. I ended up listening to Chia Ti Lik recounting his experiences with helping the WP sell their newsletter as well as his work during the GE. All in all, it was an eye-opening experience. These people were educated and possessed a certain personal touch that allowed them to speak the language of the common man, quite different from the alleged 'riff-raff' and 'troublemakers' that the PAP countinually spout through their faithful Party Newspaper, The Straits Times.
One can't help but admire the courage that these people take to participate in the GE. Few people acknowledge the sacrifices and pitfalls that these men and women face the moment they put their name down as a candidate. Maybe many years down the road, Singaporeans will remember those who so courageously decided to stand up for what they believed in and accord them the respect they deserve.
First they came for JBJ and you didn't speak up. Then they came for Tang Liang Hong and you didn't speak up. Then they came for Dr Chee and you didn't speak up. Next they came for Gomez and still you didn't speak up. Then they come for you but by then there is no one left to speak up.
"Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it."
So many tests and essays and projects to go and I've completely flunked or done horribly bad for almost all of them. I just seem to get so easily distracted by things other than studying. I can't wait for this nightmare semester to end.
Had a very interesting "discussion" with several people about politics in Singapore. Ok ok maybe it's a bit of a "taboo" topic but who cares? ;p
Someone asked me "Why are you so anti-govt one." Heh, maybe it's in my family blood. Damn pissed that no alternative party ( alternative, not opposition ;p) wants to contest in West Coast GRC. Why must they all cluster over in the East? We in the West also need to be "liberated" ya know. Maybe I should join one like SDA so that they'll come over to the west and contest.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Listening to a history lecture
Who said history can't be felt. ;p Went on a field trip around Singapore yesterday looking at all the remnants of Singapore's British military defenses. My history prof really knows how to make history interesting.
Bleh, been sick with the flu for the past few days. Missed a couple of lectures on Tuesday when I woke up with a huge headache and a very sorethroat. Had to force myself to go for the 3rd lecture that day though cause it was a history lecture and they dun webcast it.
For some strange reason, I can't seem to get back into the flow of studying this semester. I can't understand half of the lectures and I'm not helped by the fact that my science lecturers must be some of the most boring lecturers in the whole damn NUS. Sigh......
Time to resurrect this blog for like the 3rd time ;p.
Just got back from an outing with my airforce buddies from TAB. Everyone's older, some have moved on to other things outside the RSAF, some are still embroiled in the daily struggles of work and meetings, and then they are people like me "stressing out" in Uni. ;p
This Sem is pretty much busier for me than last Sem. Hope I can continue blogging on.
Yeah, exams are coming soon. Heh, I've got a chemistry test tomorrow and I haven't studied. Yet I'm on the computer bumming around on the internet.
So is NS better than studies? Well, I guess I have to be thankful for getting a nice vocation during my NS. How I miss the days when you didn't have to worry about anything other than getting weekend duties. ;p
Gosh I need to exercise. Haven't run in like 3 weeks. How to pass IPPT like that man.
sigh... just failed my chemistry mid-term test by a miserable 17/60 marks. Gosh, I keep failing all my tests this semester, has NS really made me dumb or am I just not as good as I thought I was. Super demoralized now, and I've still got a 2000 word history essay to submit on Monday, which I haven't even finished all the readings. sigh.......
The road is long, the path rugged, the dangers many, the temptations strong; But my heart is set, my goal clear, my reward great, and with Jesus, my journey easy.
I knew it was going to be cold in Melbourne, but not THIS cold. Heh, stepped off the plane to a frosty 4 degree C temperature. It's like standing with an Air-con at full blast on you.
For one thing, the cold is making me real lethargic and sleepy. The sun sets at like 5.30pm and only rises at 8, thus encouraging me to sleep longer. ;P Haven't really done much besides eating and sleeping. There are just so many eating places, serving so many different kinds of food that it's a pity that there are not many Singaporeans here since Austalians prefer to stay home at night.
Should be going to see the countryside soon, hopefully can get some nice pics to keep. Still looking for presents to bring back to S'pore, really dun know what to get for you guys. ;p Sigh, feeling a bit homesick for S'pore. Maybe it's the fact that my friends are all there, and people still ask me why I don't want to study overseas.
Just recently bought this new mulitplayer game called Guild Wars. Been playing it like several hours a day for the past few days, kinda addicted to it already. Basically it just involves creating a character and then traveling through a vast virtual world which after several days I'm still not even a third of the way through.
Had a farewell dinner for my ex-CO on Friday night and AS USUAL, some people keep asking me to drink since it's my last function as part of the Squadron. Had to bottoms up half a wine glass of pure vodka, as well had about 2 more glasses of red wine. It was nice seeing everyone again after one week of staying home, as well as getting to show my pink I/C to the NSFs. ;P
After the dinner, I was already feeling a bit tipsy, but then eveyone wanted to go for a part two. So being the "socialble" person I am, I tagged along. Went to some pub in Clarke Quay and sat inside for nearly 3 1/2 hours, drinking shots, cocktails, etc.... Surprisingly, the more I drank, the less nauseous I became. Heh, maybe I just need to warm up beforehand. It was also interesting to see how some people act when they're high on alcohol. Lesson of the day, dun drink a Waterfall in one shot if you know you're gonna feel sick after that. ;p My only grouse was that the music was too loud, such that we had to lean over and shout to make ourselves heard. Hope I'm not getting addicted to alcohol too.
Will be flying off to Australia today for 3 weeks of "fun and games". Actually I think it's gonna be kind of boring since Melbourne isn't exactly a very interesting place. I won't be back till 17 July, and I'll try to remember to buy souvenirs back. ;P
Sigh, who would have thought it would be possible to be work-sick. It feels kinda weird not needing to report to camp anymore,as well as the loss of a monthly allowance. Somehow I still miss Tengah terribly ( ok maybe that's exaggerating a bit) and more importantly, the people in it. Met another ex-NSF from Tengah today at the driving centre, and talking to him brought back so many memories from my eleven months there. He did tell me that this feeling would soon pass, but hey, I'm quite a sentimental person.
Feeling real bored at home, and as you know, the idle mind is the devil's workshop. I can't stop thinking of what the future holds, how would uni be like, what job will I be doing, will I ever find That Special One that everyone supposedly has. Sigh, I can't believe I'm still having infatuations at this age. ( Not saying that I had any before though.)
Thanks for taking time this afternoon to hang out with me. I had a great time ( even tough we were just sitting down and talking).
Sometimes just sitting down and talking can be really therapeutic and all. Though there are some problems which I can't share, I'm glad that you actually came and talked to me. Heh, still can't imagine you being a journalist or correspondent. ;P
The day that I've been waiting for the past 2 years and 4 months has finally arrived. Got back my pink I/C today after such a long time feeling like I would never get it back.
However once I got back my pink I/C, I didn't feel as elated as I thought I would be. After recent events of the past week, as well as a realisation that another phase of my life is about to start, I now wonder what the future will hold. Will I achieve what has been my ambition? Or will life end as cruelly as what has happened recently?
Philosiphical questions aside, when I look back at these 2 yrs 4 months, I can only wonder in awe how gracious God has been to me. From redoing my BMT to Tri-service and service term in OCS, to Aerodrome/Par course in AFS and onto Tengah, I can only sum it all up in that God has been so gracious to see me through it all safely. There have been there ups and downs, the feelings of despair and elation, but looking back, I have to thank God for being with me even when I've been faithless.
Do I have any regrets from these 2 yrs 4 months? Only that I have always fallen short of being a witness for God to those people around me. Something that I will have to answer for when my time comes.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Today we bid farewell to Yu Kang Fei, Officer, classmate, friend. God's ways are mysterious to us and our timing is not God's timing. I may never know why he was taken to heaven so young, and with so much more to give to the people of the world, but what I do know is that now he is truly happy.
At the funeral today, as I stood tearing, first at the window of his house and later at the back of the hall, I could not help but look at his father. Words cannot describe the emotion I was feeling, but one cannot help but weep for his parents. To see the death of your child is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. And as his father sat at the front row, wiping the tears from his eyes, my heart went out to them. Oh for the day when there will be no more tears for everyone. No more funerals, no more sadness. As Kang Fei's brother stood speaking of his memories of Fei, I could only imagine that in another dimension, he could have been speaking at Fei's wedding.
And as his body left the house for one last time, a little voice within me said, "He's not leaving home, he's coming home." Amen, and Hallelujah. I In memory of Yu Kang Fei, 1983 - 2005 Your brother in Christ, in this life and the next Nicholas Chen Class of 2SA3 2002
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